Los Angeles Times

What’s in a name? Respect

- Email questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@ amydickins­on.com.

Dear Amy: I’m a 55-yearold man. I legally changed my first name when I was 25 years old, mainly because I was the fourth “John” in my family, with many of us sharing the same name.

This change had nothing to do with gender or identity.

I have used this name personally and profession­ally for over 30 years.

Everyone calls me by my chosen name — except my sister-in-law, “Wendy.”

She married my older brother when I was a teen and has become the matriarch of the family after our parents’ deaths.

My younger brother and sister-in-law recently welcomed the first grandchild­ren into the clan.

I was upset that Wendy objected when I called myself “Uncle Chosen Name.”

She corrected me, using my birth name, which I do not use in any capacity.

Her own children call me by my chosen name, so there is no way this child will grow up using my birth name.

She creates awkward moments when she introduces me to her friends and says to me as an aside, “I explained about your name.”

What? Why is she explaining ANYTHING for me? They don’t need to have my name explained, especially in a way that makes me look like a gadfly with a personalit­y disorder.

I have no other problem with Wendy. How do I get her to understand that my name isn’t her choice and that her actions are extremely insulting and demeaning?

Call Me Ishmael

Dear Ishmael: You don’t seem to have ever responded to Wendy directly when she refuses to use your name.

Her reaction may have to do with a previous John in your family (possibly your father) whom she would like to continue to honor. But you should be able to anticipate her reaction and prepare a response.

She’s a longtime family member, so use your words!

Try a version of: “Wendy, what is it with you and my name? I need you to understand that this is my legal name. Everyone in the world uses it, except you. Call me what you want, but I will only answer to my name.”

Dear Amy: Eight weeks ago, I lost my companion of 20 years. My grief is real.

Approximat­ely three weeks ago, I received a friend request on social media (along with a private message) from a man I had not seen in over 40 years.

I knew him briefly as a child, connected with him and his family one time after childhood, and didn’t even know he moved to this area.

He expressed sadness for my loss, and we exchanged telephone numbers.

Now, he calls every day and asks me if I want to get together for lunch, coffee or anything my heart desires.

I’m not ready for that, and told him so.

He lost his wife over a year ago, so I can understand he’s ready for more than I am at this point.

A part of me says to cut ties now because he won’t take no for an answer; part of me understand­s that he’s lonely. He may be a wonderful companion for me several months from now.

How do I handle this?

Sleepless

Dear Sleepless: You should explain to this man that his persistenc­e is not having the effect he might desire, and that it is delaying the healing you require.

Tell him you’ll meet with him only when you’re ready, and don’t take his calls unless (or until) you are interested in talking.

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