Tough time reconnecting

Dear Amy: I am 65 years old. Three years ago, I located my birth family through a DNA search.

To my surprise, my birth mother was alive and in good health. When we first spoke, she said, “I’ve been waiting for this call for 60 years.”

They live 1,200 miles away, and I visited them soon after we connected.

It was a mostly positive experience. I’m especially fond of my brother and his wife. There are other siblings who have decided not to be in touch, which is fine.

We continue to talk by phone, but when I speak with any of these family members, they pressure me to make a return visit.

When I talk to my mother, she makes remarks like, “I thought you forgot about me,” or, “Why haven’t I heard from you?”

For her, it’s as if the past 60-odd years never happened. She never asks about my life growing up or about my (wonderful) parents, who have both passed away.

I want to see these family members, but for my own emotional sanity I want only a brief visit.

When I arranged a hotel room for my first visit, my mother flipped out. I had to cancel the room and agree to stay at her house.

If I go back, I need to stay at a hotel, for my own health.

How can I frame a brief visit without seeming cold or as if I don’t want to be there?

Also, my mother knows that my husband is Black. What do I say when “casual” racist comments are made?

This is so challenging — sometimes I just want to give up. A

Dear A: You have undertaken a momentous and laudable effort to find and visit your birth family. Unfortunately, you are allowing your mother to emotionally manipulate you.

Obviously, this reconnection is important to you both, but you were a fully formed person with a long history before this connection. You want to be open to these new relationships, but you also need to work hard to retain your own identity and to attend to your needs.

If you plan another visit, say, “I’m booking a room at a nearby hotel.” If your mother protests, stay very quiet and let her run out of steam. Just. Wait. Then say, “OK, I’ll call when I get in. It will be nice to visit again.”

If you seem cold — so be it. Your mother has not really gotten to know you — she has only insisted that you know her.

When “casual” racist comments are made, you should say, “Whoa. Stop. I can’t accept that.” Racist comments are a very good reason for you to rethink whether you want to extend yourself so generously.

Dear Amy: I am a 41-yearold man who found a very caring woman (15 years younger) online three years ago. She has all the qualities I longed for in a woman, and she likes me too. We hit it off the first day we started talking through a dating site.

How do I go about telling my family that I have met a woman online?

She has told her family and friends about me.

How to Tell?

Dear How to Tell?: Almost a third of couples meet online. But it isn’t clear whether you two have met in person or if your relationship is conducted online.

If you are serious enough about this to tell your family members about it, the best way to do so is with your head held high. Meeting online should not be a shameful or embarrassing fact.