Can’t force son’s gratitude

Dear Amy: My son just graduated from college and is out on his own. His mother and I threw him a graduation party.

He received gifts from people at the party, and he thanked those people in person. But he has not sent any acknowledgment to those who mailed him a gift.

Several family members have asked me if he had received their gift, which was very embarrassing.

We made sure he always wrote thank-you notes as a child. It troubles us that he does not see the need to do that now as “an adult.”

I told him this was basic etiquette and that even an email or a text would be better than nothing.

He agreed with me — but still has done nothing!

Is there anything more I can do or say to him?

Disappointed Father

Dear Disappointed: One tough aspect of parenting young adults is facing the reality of their failings.

You’ve no doubt encouraged your son to consider the consequences of his behavior. He’s probably paid attention to you when you’ve warned him about drinking and driving or the dangers of credit card debt.

You’ve taught him to write thank-you notes, but I wonder if the lesson might be effective if you said: “Son, if you want people to be kind and generous to you in the future, then you must express your gratitude. If you don’t, they’ll think you’re a jerk.” He might not care right now if family members think he’s a jerk, but you’ve raised him well, so eventually he will care.

Thank-you notes are always appropriate. Nicely worded texts/emails are sufficient — but honestly, I think a phone call is a joy. Doing so belatedly is far better than not doing it at all.

Dear Amy: Our oldest daughter is in her 40s.

She has had a difficult time since she was a teen. Nothing awful (no drugs), just an inability to focus on adjusting to realities of life.

Although a very bright girl, it took her 10 years to finish college. She got a great job in a metro area with a computer firm where she worked for eight years.

Then after a few months of complaining, she left to move to another city. She got a job delivering pizzas just so she could afford rent.

Very soon we saw the possibility that she would end up on the streets.

My husband and

I bought a townhouse and provided her with a place to live, and a small monthly stipend. Our only requirement is that she keeps working and pays the HOA fee.

A few years and two new jobs later, she has a boyfriend living with her who has health issues that prevent him from working.

He is good to her and good for her. He does a great job handling house repair and provides her with comfort and company.

We don’t mind making sure that she is safe and sheltered, but we really would like her boyfriend to make a monetary contribution to their lives. How can we broach this with her?

Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned: You have generously set up a situation that sounds feasible and stable for all parties.

Unless your daughter asks for more from you (or fails to pay her share), why should her partner’s contribution matter?

If you want to adjust your contribution, you could revisit this budget with her, but she should be trusted to manage her finances.