Past time to come clean

Dear Amy: I am moving in with my boyfriend in a few months. He is everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner, and I’m excited to move into the small one-bedroom condo that he owns.

I’ve been spending most nights there since we started dating a year ago.

I only have one concern: He is incredibly messy.

We’re talking piles of laundry all over, trash overflowing, months-long expired food in the fridge.

I’m the opposite. I know I’m going to need the space much, much cleaner to comfortably live there.

What’s the right way to address this? And what is the right time to do so?

I’m conscious of the fact that I’m moving into his place. Right now, when I spend the night, I’m technically still his guest.

I do some cleaning already but feel like I can’t be too critical at this point about the piles of laundry and leftover food.

I’ve tried to raise it gently. I don’t want him to be put on the defensive, especially in his own home, but things definitely need to change.

Clean, Please!

Dear Clean, Please!: The best time to address these living conditions would have been when you two were hot to trot and on your way to having sex in his bachelor pad for the first time. That’s when you could have said, “I don’t feel comfortable here.”

Blunt honesty would have been good up until the fifth time you decided to have sex in his apartment.

Instead, you’ve chosen to spend your nights there without ever honestly expressing how unacceptable this is (to you), so he has every reason to believe you’re cool with his lifestyle.

You should not move in together until you achieve clarity: Whose home will it be? If cohabiting, you should not continue believing that you are a “guest.” And if you have been a guest all this time, take a good look around: This is how he welcomes guests into his home.

If things “definitely need to change,” you must establish this before you commit to moving in. This should be delivered not as an ultimatum but as a simple truth: “I’m not willing to live the way you live. It’s waaaaay too messy and dirty for me.”

He (not you) could offer suggestions for how to address this (get his act together, hire a cleaner, perhaps even compensate you for cleaning), but until you directly address this issue, the consequences flowing from your reluctance to be honest will be on you.

Dear Amy: My husband and I were invited to a friend’s house for a takeout dinner. I asked what to bring and she asked for a bottle of wine and a dessert.

When we arrived with the dessert and two bottles of wine, she informed me that she wanted us to pay for our part of the takeout.

We have had them over for takeout before and never expected them to pay.

In the past when we had dinner at one of our houses, the person doing the inviting provides the main course, so I was shocked and didn’t know what to say.

We paid them for the food, but I am disgusted that they treated us like this. I don’t know how to handle it.

Dined and Dashed

Dear Dined: It seems as if they owe you for their portion of the wine and dessert.

You could mention this to her, but mainly you should use this as a heads-up for the next time they host. I don’t see this as “disgusting” behavior, but it is revealing.