Keep a healthy distance
Dear Amy: I am a happily married, 54-year-old woman. I have a great primary medical provider.
“Rebecca” is a nurse practitioner in a large practice. I’ve been going to her for about four years.
She is personable, interesting and authentic, with an easy, fun sense of humor. She asks about my family, vacations, etc., and seems to just be a good person.
I have left every appointment wanting to be friends with her. We seem to click.
At my recent pre-op visit, she greeted me with a huge smile and an enthusiastic, “I’m SO glad you’re finally able to have this surgery! I’m SO happy for you!”
I have no idea if this is just her typical bedside manner, but I was quite touched.
I have a good group of girlfriends. I value friendship as one of life’s great joys.
If Rebecca were not my doctor, I would invite her to coffee, and be open to either making a new friend or not.
Given the boundaries of this relationship, is there a way to figure out if we could be friends, or if this is just how she is with all patients?
Ethically, can a doctor and patient become friends?
If so, it would be worth switching to a different provider in the practice, but I don’t want to make that switch for nothing. What’s appropriate? Wellness Checked
Dear Checked: The most appropriate, ethical stance is for everyone to stay in their boxes: Rebecca remaining your excellent healthcare provider and you her grateful patient.
The warm personal rapport you share enhances your medical care: You feel comfortable and communicate well; she listens, remembers details about your life and cares about you.
Despite the standard of maintaining boundaries, practitioners and patients do step out of these boxes because they are human beings and sometimes human beings just click.
If you want to take a stab at friendship outside the office, do not ask her for coffee. Contact her via email (not through the patient portal) and invite her to a group event with friends — a fundraiser, hike or performance.
She can accept or demur based on her own comfort level, and your professional rapport will be preserved.
Dear Amy: My mother-inlaw and I have not always seen eye-to-eye on everything, but we are cordial and appreciate each other.
As the grandkids have gotten older and there is less reason to communicate, I’m unsure when or if to call her.
She seems happy to talk to me when I call, but she never calls me.
I feel I should assume if she never calls me, she must not want to talk to me. Once when she was going through a tough time, she told me I didn’t “need” to call her.
However, she lives alone and is getting older, and I do wonder how she is doing.
I remind my husband to call from time to time, and he does. We see her in person once every month or two, and she has family members and friends who live closer and see her more frequently.
Unreturned Caller
Dear Caller: I think these calls you make are important, even if you always initiate. As she gets older, they will be vital ways to check in.
She may be shy, or intimidated. Some people have an aversion to making calls — it’s a sort of inertia that can be hard to overcome. It seems she also doesn’t call her son. Keep calling; it’s the right thing to do.