Pardon petty behavior

I work in a department with around 20 people. One, “Jo,” was let go.

I don’t know the full circumstances, but I was told there was “cause.” Many of us have kept in touch with Jo, commiserating and offering support.

Meanwhile, my coworker “Hannah” is about to have her first child. We chipped in to get her a gift.

Today, the person organizing the gift got a message from Jo, asking for their baby gift contribution back.

We returned Jo’s contribution (about $20), but most of us believe that asking to have money for a baby gift returned is tacky, even petty.

Hannah had nothing to do with Jo’s termination, and I know that Jo and Hannah were close at work. Jo had even signed the card before leaving, and wrote Hannah a very kind message — a message Hannah won’t see since we all feel that we should replace the card now!

This incident changed a lot of people’s opinions of Jo. A few people are rethinking giving references for Jo.

Was Jo way out of line, or should we cut this person some slack?

Perplexed Gift Giver

Dear Perplexed: My first thought: Jo may be worried about finances. It is not necessarily rational to believe that reclaiming this $20 will substantially affect things, but when your employment situation has suddenly changed, immediate choices aren’t always rational.

My next thought is that Jo is hurt and bitter. Hurt plus bitter equals petty. Yes, this person’s pettiness is out of line. Pettiness always is.

Of course this affects your opinion of your former co-worker; yet my experience tells me you’ll rarely regret cutting someone some slack, especially when they are hurt and acting out.

Think of it this way: Once slack is granted, you can always “de-slack” later, based on subsequent behavior.

When offering a job reference, you should only comment on your specific knowledge of that person’s job performance. You don’t know why Jo was terminated, but to use this episode as a reason to refuse a recommendation would also be petty.

Dear Amy: A close cousin just got her first dog (after a lifetime as a cat person).

I’m very happy for her because honestly, this pup is adorable, well-behaved and an all-around cutie.

When she first got the dog, we were hosting an outdoor picnic and she asked if she could bring her pup. Naturally, we said yes. Her pup charmed everyone and the visit went very well. After that, we hosted another (small) event on our porch. Pup showed up and, again, the visit went fairly well.

We are planning to host our first larger indoor gathering since she got the dog.

We do not want to establish a precedent where the pup is automatically included in every event, but we don’t know how to roll this back. Your suggestions?

Dear Unsure: Like many people, I got an adorable pandemic pup. I assume any host’s preference is not to have a dog visit. I wouldn’t want to host a guest’s dog at an indoor gathering.

You’ll have to train your cousin. Simply tell her, “We enjoy your dog, but because we’re going to have a larger indoor gathering this time, we’re hoping you can safely leave pup-pup home.”

Your cousin may insist that her dog will not be any trouble. You’ll have to be firm and say, “It just won’t work out for us this time.”