Feedback loop isn’t open

Dear Amy: I dated “C” for only a month in 2020.

It was obviously not longterm. I was the one who broke it off. I have not contacted him since. Recently, I logged onto Facebook for the first time in a long time, and I noticed that he has been messaging me over the course of the last two years — and as recently as last week (which is odd since he has my phone number).

It’s clear that he wants to get back together, but I have no interest in reconnecting with him.

I’m now wondering if I should tell him the reasons I broke off the relationship.

Telling him would be purely selfish and therapeutic (for me).

I never told him all the things that bothered me, and if I did now, I’d finally be able to get it off my chest.

But what if my feedback helps? It’s clear he’s not had much luck maintaining a committed relationship (based on the messages I’ve received over the years), so maybe he’s willing to listen?

However, I hesitate for a few reasons.

The truth will sound harsh — because it is.

He was immature, racist and unscrupulous (i.e., stealing from his job), along with a long laundry list of other terrible behavior.

I only knew him for a month, so perhaps I’m being too judgmental?

Should I just let him continue on his own journey?

Hesitant

Dear Hesitant: Helpful feedback might be: “You’re late too often. Your hygiene needs improvement. Your roommates are rude.”

This guy’s infractions (aside from his immaturity) are all things he already knows are wrong — because we all know they’re wrong: He’s racist. He’s a thief.

Feedback in this context would only be a recitation of your own values. Self-improvement is not on the horizon unless he expresses a desire for it, which he doesn’t seem to have done.

He is messaging you because he can. Your lack of response doesn’t seem to discourage him.

I suggest you continue not to respond, consider blocking him, and hope he is messaging you on FB because he lost your number.

Dear Amy: I recently became debt-free, thanks to eight years of hard work.

The person I am dating has been asking me how they can become debt-free.

I’ve explained multiple times how I did this, offering all the free resources I have used, but they keep bringing it up as though we’ve never had the conversation.

Last week, when I was asked again, I offered no advice, just listened to a recitation of the emotional issues surrounding their debt.

I wonder, how can I be of help without endlessly repeating myself?

Not in Debt David

Dear David: Congratulations on achieving this enviable state. You’ve dedicated almost a decade to the long and slow climb out of debt, and you are absolutely justified in feeling proud.

Being in debt is something like being trapped in an addiction. The addicted person can be very interested in or intrigued by recovery, but until they take concrete steps of their own, recovery cannot begin.

By discussing this with you, this person is temporarily relieving the pressure caused by indebtedness.

Send your date a link to Debtorsanonymous.org. They can receive ongoing support, as well as encouragement, to face their debt.