Help hoarding husband
Dear Amy: My husband and I, now empty-nesters, live alone in a large four-bedroom house.
My husband doesn’t qualify as a hoarder, but maybe only because I am constantly trying to organize everything.
He won’t throw anything away and forbids me to dispose of his possessions, even if they are broken.
He buys anything that he considers a bargain, whereas I have become offended by over-consumption.
Because it is impossible to find anything in this mess, he buys a new item when we already have one — somewhere! As a result, we have multiples of everything.
We violate our homeowners’ association rules because our garbage bins won’t fit in our garage. The outside of the house is surrounded by junk — buckets of golf balls, multiple grills, an old basketball hoop, etc.
I’ve spent hundreds of hours trying to organize, inventory, box things, etc. If I didn’t spend that time, the house would be a junkyard, and I resent having to spend my time this way. As I look around, I feel rage.
Although I have three rooms I keep “sacrosanct” — no clutter allowed — I feel like the walls are closing in.
We’ve been married for many years, and I guess this is a petty thing, but it bothers me more and more. At this point I almost feel like it’s a deal breaker. What should I do? Desperate Housewife
Dear Desperate: I disagree with your assessment of your husband’s behavior. In my view, he does exhibit signs of having a hoarding disorder. This is a persistent, compulsive and distressing condition where people experience extreme anxiety when faced with the prospect of getting rid of anything — even when the item is broken, useless or part of a huge collection.
Your husband needs professional help and mental health treatment. You need accurate and realistic advice about the impact of this on you and your physical and mental health.
Your husband may well refuse to seek treatment, so you should seek to understand your role in the household and what things you might do differently to communicate your needs in a neutral and helpful way.
The International OCD Foundation offers very helpful information for those concerned about a loved one: hoarding.iocdf.org.
Dear Amy: I live on the second floor of a duplex. My downstairs neighbor is probably in her 60s; like me, she lives alone with pets.
Some recent changes have put me in the room above her bedroom on late evenings, and I discovered she snores. Quite loudly.
I’m not concerned about the noise, because I can’t hear her from my own bedroom, but I know snoring can be an indicator of health issues — and living alone, there’s a good chance she doesn’t know she snores.
Should I bring it up? If so, how? I don’t want her to take it as a noise complaint.
Upstairs Neighbor
Dear Neighbor: Loud, persistent snoring can be an indicator of a health problem.
I would not notify a neighbor about this, but if you decide to, here’s how you might do it: “I was in my home office last night and heard you snoring. This is NOT a noise complaint and it doesn’t bother me, but I’ve read that this might indicate a health problem. Because we both live alone, I hope you’d also let me know if you noticed anything similar.”