Time to expose her ex
Dear Amy: Over our 16year marriage my ex-husband often acted impulsively, in ways that were perhaps explained but not excused by bipolar disorder.
Just after our second child was born, he kissed and groped a student at the local college whom he’d hired for a small job.
The student was appropriately angry and got a lawyer to threaten a civil case for sexual harassment.
To avoid this becoming public, he accepted the proposal of a $40,000 payment in exchange for her silence.
I felt horribly complicit in keeping this secret, but with a baby, a toddler and an upside-down mortgage, it was hard to see doing otherwise.
Our marriage survived only to weather several years of his opioid addiction, which once again drained our life savings.
Four years ago, I finally left him, got counseling for myself and our teens, and found happiness.
He remarried and maintains a positive reputation as a businessman and philanthropist.
Recently I was shocked to learn that he’s a candidate for the board of the alumni foundation of that same local college.
I feel I should expose his past behavior, but I’m second-guessing my motives.
I don’t want to deal with the hurt from a bad marriage by lashing out: I’d rather ignore him and move on. On the other hand, the woman on whom he forced unwanted contact is an alumna. How would she feel?
I don’t have her last name or the lawyer’s, much less a copy of the paperwork, so if I do report this history it may sound like gossip to them.
What’s the right thing to do here?
Unwilling Secret-Sharer
Dear Unwilling: You should seek legal advice regarding your options.
I am not a lawyer, but (to me) your ex’s behavior sounds more like sexual assault than harassment. His choice to purchase his victim’s silence means she likely signed a nondisclosure agreement prohibiting her from disclosing or discussing this. I assume you didn’t sign an NDA.
Even if your ex has reformed, he is literally returning to the scene of the crime in an exalted position. I think this past behavior is germane.
Consider that the college’s reputation would be adversely affected if it appoints your ex and this settlement is later exposed.
I suggest you contact the college.
Dear Amy: I’m at an age when many people retire.
Unfortunately, I’m not able to do that. All the same, I’m trying to plan ahead. My financial advisor wants to include any possible inheritance I may get when my remaining parent dies.
I don’t feel I can ask my 90-year-old mother how much she’s leaving me! That’s just crass.
Do other people actually get this information in advance? I know it would be helpful to have, but I don’t know how to handle this.
Nonplussed Daughter
Dear Nonplussed: Yes, some people receive very detailed information about their parents’ estates.
Especially if you are her only child, you could ask, “Mom, do you have a will drawn up? Do you have an executor who has access to the documents? My financial advisor has suggested it would be a good idea for me to know at least the basics of your estate planning.”