Don’t let brother dictate

Dear Amy: I recently did DNA ancestry testing, hoping to locate relatives of my father, who died when I was very young. To my surprise I found out that I have a niece.

I have one brother. He is a confirmed bachelor but apparently he fathered a child 40 years ago.

When I told him of these DNA results, he seemed surprised. He indicated that he had no interest in meeting or pursuing a relationship with his newfound daughter.

I asked if he would object if my son and I reached out to her. He requested that we not pursue a relationship.

As the months went by, I felt a longing to meet her. She was already following us on social media, so it seems she might have been aware of the relationship before I connected the DNA dots.

Against my brother’s wishes, I reached out to her, and my son and I met her for dinner. She seems to be a lovely young woman and we mutually want to pursue a family relationship.

I would love to introduce her to my mom, her grandmother, who is 95. I really think she would love to know she has a granddaughter.

Needless to say, my brother was disappointed that I didn’t respect his wishes and specifically asked I not tell our mother.

I am just brokenhearted. I still plan on seeing my niece, but I wish my brother would come around. Any suggestions?

Anguished Aunt

Dear Anguished: You asked your brother for permission to contact your niece; he said no. You went ahead and did so anyway.

You’ve asked about connecting your niece with her grandmother; he said no. I suggest you do so anyway.

Given that he didn’t know about his daughter’s existence and has since declared that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her, I’d say he doesn’t really have any claim on her or any authority to deny other family members access to her.

The only way he might come around is if you continue to acknowledge and maintain a relationship with this woman. I suggest you do so openly, without pressuring or forcing on him a relationship he’s not ready for.

Dear Amy: I am one of a group of mothers who have been friends for a long time.

Our group includes “Betty” and “Jane.” Their daughters, “Belle” and “Jill,” attend the same high school.

The girls used to be good friends but got crosswise about a year ago. Then their mothers got involved.

The situation has escalated into an all-out war between the families, with accusations and counteraccusations of bullying and the involvement of the principal.

We friends are trying to stay neutral. We love both these women and their daughters, and we hate to see these hostilities destroying these two families.

Can we do anything to deescalate the situation?

Distressed Friends

Dear Distressed: Given the level of animus and the way it has escalated, I don’t believe it is within your power to direct these warring parties to change, but you might be able to influence them to consider the larger consequences.

You might draft a letter to send to both women. Without taking sides, speak from your heart about the impact it’s had on your friendship. Recall a positive memory involving both from before this started, and tell them how sad this has made you. End with, “I wish you would find a way to work this out.”