Interested in intimacy

Dear Amy: I have been married for 48 years.

In one sense, my wife and I are very much committed to each other; however, we have not had sex in 20 years and have been intimate only once or twice in that time.

I have on several occasions expressed a desire for affection and intimacy, but the interest doesn’t seem to be there.

We never had a great sex life, but affection and sex have completely disappeared over our marriage, and it isn’t something that my wife wishes to discuss.

We can easily discuss any number of topics related to politics, education or the arts, but we are rarely able to have a conversation about our relationship.

I proposed counseling, but it went nowhere because my wife had no desire to expose herself to a stranger.

I asked for guidance in terms of being a better husband and she said she wasn’t going to give me a “grocery list” of what I should do or how I should behave.

We enjoy doing things together — hiking, biking, dining out, being with friends and family, going to concerts — but in the end our marriage isn’t very satisfying for me on a personal level.

I am 72 years old. How do

I find contentment in my remaining years?

Looking for Love

Dear Looking: It sounds as if you already have contentment. Passion may be what you are lacking.

I’m impressed by your extreme patience during your impressively long marriage.

According to you, you proposed counseling one time and were shot down. You asked about being a “better husband” one time and were shot down.

You don’t seem to have been very persistent in your desire for affection and intimacy, or in terms of pursuing what you want (and deserve) in your marriage.

Intimacy can start with a conversation about intimacy. Or maybe even a fight about intimacy.

The very act of wading into that territory where your wife is afraid to go might expose tough realities for you both, yet I hope you will be brave enough to pursue this with vigor.

Is she happy? Are you? Do you want to risk leaving this marriage to try to find someone else? Do you want to risk staying in this marriage while trying to find someone else?

When you invite your partner into therapy and they decline, you should go by yourself, because the very act of wanting someone else to change means you need to change too. It is not too late.

Dear Amy: I’ve been married for 10 years. Several years ago, my husband started actively going on dating sites; he now has all kinds of sexual conversations with other women.

I told him that this is cheating because he is married, and he lied to me about deleting these accounts.

He now hides his phone and keeps it locked.

I say this is cheating. Am I crazy?

Dear Upset: Your husband is engaging in secret relationships with other women. Whether these are physical or virtual, this makes you feel devalued. You don’t seem to trust one another.

So yes, I would call this “cheating.” More important, I wonder what either of you is prepared to do about it.

The more energy you waste arguing about what to call his behavior, the less you spend trying to repair — or release — this relationship.