Retrain rude stepchildren

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We each have two grown children from previous marriages.

My children love and accept my husband as family.

My husband’s children have never accepted me.

I met their father years after their parents divorced, so I was in no way a cause of their break-up.

For example, when they visit for Christmas each year, they bring their father a gift and wish him a Merry Christmas, while they ignore me. I am left sitting there with a feeling of disbelief.

I’ve spoken to my husband about my feelings, but it doesn’t really help. He says his family is dysfunctional. What should I do?

Simply Hurt

Dear Hurt: Your husband’s astute observation is that his family is dysfunctional. I assume you’re thinking: “Right, Einstein.”

But an accurate description is not a solution.

Your husband seems to be passively standing by while his children humiliate you — and in your own home.

You also seem to have lost your own voice.

His children obviously want to have a relationship with him, so he should convey to them that he won’t tolerate this rudeness toward you. If he had done this at the outset of your relationship, they might have been retrained by now.

You have nothing to lose, so you might take advantage of this post-holiday period to email both of them and say, “I’ve been married to your father for 10 years. I had no role in the breakup of your parents’ marriage, which happened before he and I met. I regret that I’ve been tolerating your rudeness to me for a decade. I’d like to have a positive relationship with you, but at the very least I expect you to be polite to me when you’re a guest in our home.”

Dear Amy: My 98-year-old father died recently.

At the graveside service, our business associate (and family friend) of 45 years would not shake hands with my son’s boyfriend.

My son had to introduce his boyfriend twice before our family friend eventually shook his hand.

I’ve always suspected that he is homophobic, though he has never said anything out loud.

I did not witness the interaction, but I know how disrespected my son felt.

It was an added anguish to an already stressful day.

Of course, I am outraged and want to contact the family friend and question him about this blatant bigotry.

He usually seems to appear kind and thoughtful.

My question to you is how should I respond/deal with a close business associate and family friend who demonstrates behavior that I believe needs to be called out?

Incensed Mother

Dear Incensed: I can think of a couple of legitimate reasons for why someone might choose not to shake someone else’s hand, but your son obviously interpreted this choice as stemming from homophobia — and you do too.

If you continue to stew on this, you should contact this man, tell him what your son has told you, tell him that this is upsetting to you and ask for an explanation.

He might tell you that he didn’t hear your son’s introduction, or that he is reluctant to shake hands these days for fear of passing along or contracting an illness.

You should accept whatever explanation he has offered, with the understanding that you have conveyed your distress about this.