Time to try trusting again

Dear Amy: Almost 10 years ago my wife discovered that I had been cheating on her, emotionally and physically, and that I had a porn addiction I couldn’t control.

We separated for a year but eventually reunited.

Years of therapy and support groups helped me to become the man I want to be. And accountability, both digital and in the real world, helps my wife to see that I remain faithful and dedicated.

Alas, at age 40, I feel that I spent most of my 30s living like a grounded teenager.

I have freedom working for myself, but I’m not really allowed to use it.

All I really want to do is surf and spend time in the ocean, but my wife is convinced this will somehow lead to me cheating on her.

Despite the fact that she can see my location at all times, and has full access to all my devices and every inch of my life, I think she has some trauma that therapy didn’t really heal.

I don’t want to be ignorant of her needs, but I’m slipping into deeper depression. I told myself I wouldn’t live like this in my 40s.

I live today as a dedicated husband and partner. I’ve submitted to her every need for accountability.

Is it wrong to take a bit of my life back?

Betrayer

Dear Betrayer: You and your wife are trapped by the breach in trust caused by your infidelity during your 20s. But how long is this jail sentence supposed to last?

After 10 years, you’ve proved that you want to and are able to remain faithful and trustworthy.

If you are currently this unhappy and angry in your marriage and haven’t slipped back into your addictive behavior, your recovery seems a solid success.

Your wife has been living in a state of hypervigilance. This is damaging to her physical and mental health. She should resume therapy, with the goal not to change or retrain you but to retrain her own brain away from rumination and anger, toward balance, trust and health.

It seems logical that if you both want to stay in this marriage but don’t want to stay trapped and angry, you should take this trust out for a spin and see what it can do.

Go surfing for the day. Your wife will have to feel her feelings, understand her anxiety and find ways to cope with it.

If she spends a lot of time policing you, she may have to find other ways to fill that time: a job, a hobby, friends and interests of her own.

Dear Amy: I’m a procrastinator unless I have deadlines. How can I deal with it?

Practiced Procrastinator

Dear Procrastinator: Like many writers, I’ve perfected the fine art of procrastination, although I view it differently than I used to. I now see it as a potentially positive aspect of the creative process, because I tend to get a lot of things done while I’m putting off getting other things done. (Procrastinating writers tend to have very tidy houses.)

Starting can often be the hardest part. I call this “opening the envelope.”

If you can force yourself to open the envelope, click on the email, assign a title to the Word document, schedule the Zoom, you will have started. Work often flows from just getting started.

Deadlines help — so set one for yourself and reward yourself for meeting it. For instance: “I’ll start the project at 11. After I’ve done my work, I’ll reward myself with an episode of ‘Seinfeld.’ ”