She’s smitten but scared

Dear Amy: I recently ended a long and terrible marriage with an addict.

The marriage was over for a long time but because of debt and the pandemic, it took us a lot longer than I wanted for it to finally be done. By the end, it was like a prison sentence.

Throughout that process and for a couple years after, I spent time working on being a stronger, independent person — both for myself and for my daughters.

Recently I started trying to date again.

I met a few very nice men, but I didn’t really connect. I was sure that I was good and happy being single.

But then I met a man who really got to me. We’ve been seeing each other for about a month. Now I’m smitten.

I’m so attracted to him and so scared of being hurt that I just want to break up before that happens.

I know he likes me too, but I don’t think he likes me as much as I do him.

It’s a scary place to be. I have a therapist who advises me to just have fun, but I’m getting more and more scared as time goes on. I just want to run and hide.

I’m too old for this silliness! Please help me to see this more clearly.

Burned

Dear Burned: This is not “silliness.” For you, fully engaging in a sexual and emotional relationship reveals your extreme vulnerability. This is the ongoing consequence of your previous experience, which you describe as a “prison sentence.”

Your therapist’s advice to “just have fun” is positive and logical. But if you are becoming more afraid of moving forward in a relationship, then your therapist should encourage you to confront and explore your fear. Your fear is also logical. If you’ve been in prison, it seems smart to try to avoid incarceration in the future.

Being smitten is a great feeling, but it brings forth a realization of what a risk it can be to fall for someone. The last time you were smitten, look at what happened!

My advice: Do your best to move forward in this relationship, but try to view it as part of your process, rather than the terminus of your search for happiness with a new partner. The lack of balance you perceive between you two is a red flag. Pay attention to your instincts.

The right partner for you will hear your story, accept your challenges and move forward at a pace that still feels thrilling but is more comfortable for you.

Dear Amy: A friend is hosting a baby shower for her pregnant daughter, who lives out of state. I’ve met the daughter only once. It was a quick introduction with no other interaction.

I am invited to the baby shower. I feel uncomfortable as I don’t know the daughter and won’t know anyone there except my friend.

I believe a shower should be for family and friends of the expectant mother.

Is it proper to be invited to a shower where you do not know the person?

Uncomfortable

Dear Uncomfortable: It sounds to me as if the prospective grandmother is trying to spread out her own joy by including one of her friends on the guest list.

I can’t comment on whether it is “proper” for you to be invited to this shower. It is, however, proper to respond promptly to an invitation, expressing your appreciation for the invitation as well as your polite regrets: “Unfortunately, I won’t be able to make it, but congratulations, Grandma! I hope everyone has a great and joyful time.”