Classic boundary-crossing
Dear Amy: Ten years ago, my father had an affair with an old high school girlfriend. He divorced my mother to marry this other woman.
My parents had been married for more than 20 years, and Mom was understandably devastated and went “no contact” with him.
My brother and I were in college at the time. After a lengthy estrangement from our dad, we are barely back on speaking terms with him.
Recently, our mother died after a brief illness.
I stopped by a relative’s home before the funeral service and saw my father dressed up and seemingly ready to attend the funeral.
I flipped out. He treated my mom terribly during the divorce. They were not hostile toward one another but also were not speaking.
I know my mother would not have wanted him to be at her funeral and I told him as much. (His wife had enough sense to stay away.) I went into bouncer mode and forbade him from attending.
My brother and his wife backed me up, telling him that it would be inappropriate for him to be there.
He insisted he was only there “to support us” and had no malicious intent. We stood our ground. He opted not to attend her service and has been sulking ever since.
He says we owe him an apology. We think he’s being his usual selfish, self-serving, perpetual-victim self.
What do you think?
NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE THIS TIME
Dear Not Going to Apologize: I’m with you and your brother. If your father had really wanted to support you through this trying time, he would have contacted you in advance of showing up to express his fatherly concern to ask how he could best support you.
Showing up where you suspect you’re not welcome is classic behavior for a practiced boundary-crosser. His demand that you apologize for your reaction to his insensitivity is misdirection, but if your reaction created a scene that made others uncomfortable, this is something to acknowledge and perhaps apologize for.
Now that you have asserted a strong boundary with your father, use neutral language to communicate to him that in order for you to have a better relationship, you need him to understand how deeply his actions over have affected you.
Use “I” statements, detailing your feelings. A defensive (or offensive) response from him will underscore your instincts, but you will have had your say.
Dear Amy: I have five grandchildren. I had a son and a daughter, but she died in 2014, leaving two young children.
Sometimes I feel like I do more for those two grandchildren than I do for the other three, and I feel guilty.
My son takes excellent care of his children, so I don’t have to spend as much money or time with them as I do with the other two.
Should I change now, before they recognize this imbalance too?
GUILTY GRAM
Dear Gram: Your choice to step up for your grandchildren is natural — and commendable. If your daughter died almost 10 years ago, your grandchildren are already aware of any differential in your attention.
But I’m a firm believer in young people’s ability to accept the universal truth that life isn’t necessarily fair.
Shower all the grandkids with loving kindness. Discourage everyone from keeping score — even you.