Hurt by jealous outburst

Dear Amy: Recently I told my wife that I planned to reach out to “Sharon,” a former co-worker who is an industry expert, for advice about changing jobs.

My wife angrily and immediately accused me of having an affair with Sharon, and insisted that I wanted to get a job near her to continue the affair.

I have never, ever cheated on my wife. I’m a homebody who works from home. I don’t travel for work and rarely go out with friends.

Sharon lives over four hours away. I haven’t seen her in over six years and haven’t spoken to her on the phone in years; we exchange business-related text messages every few months.

I worked with Sharon for three years and my wife never voiced any suspicions. I never saw or talked to Sharon outside of the office when we did work together.

In the 15 years I’ve been married, my wife has never acted so irrationally, or accused me of having an affair.

The next day all she said was, “I’m sorry. Can we please not talk about this again?” She insists that we should act like nothing happened and that counseling is unnecessary.

I’m deeply hurt that she would even think I’m having an affair. I’m also worried about her mental health.

Do you have an explanation for her irrational behavior? Should I join her in pretending it never happened?

Baffled in Baltimore

Dear Baffled: Your wife reacted in a way that was irrational and unprecedented in your relationship. She’s embarrassed by her own behavior; of course she doesn’t want to discuss it further!

But I agree with you that it is important to discuss this, to come to a resolution that satisfies you both.

Your wife may admit to having long-standing suspicions and insecurity about this work relationship.

She should be asked to understand how hurtful it is to absorb such a serious, unfounded, unfair accusation.

I agree that because this behavior was so outside the norm for her, there might be an underlying medical, hormonal or emotional trigger.

Talking further with a calm and mutually compassionate attitude might help to reveal what is really amiss.

Dear Amy: I’ve reached the age when more and more people I care about are sick, ailing or dying.

I’m sympathetic and want to offer words of comfort, but most of what I can think of to say is stilted, shallow and insincere-sounding to me — even as I’m saying it.

Where can I find more eloquent speech for these unfortunate situations? Tongue-Tied

Dear Tongue-Tied: Hang eloquence. Just say something. Here’s a start:

“I just found out. I don’t really know what to say.”

“I’m just checking in. I think about you often. How are things going for you?”

“Can I drive you to your treatment next week?”

“I made some soup; may I drop off a container?” Do not: Compare one person’s illness or loss to another’s. (”My cousin’s husband had lymphoma. No big deal!”)

Tell someone that God or the universe won’t give them more than they can handle.

Make their hardship or suffering about you or your own experience.

Do: Be natural and compassionate, and adopt a listening stance.

When someone is suffering, simply having a calm, stalwart and undemanding companion can help a lot.