Piercing veil of his privacy

Dear Amy: I am engaged to marry a wonderful man who treats me like a queen. I do not have any evidence of infidelity, but he is a naturally private person, and I harbor fear that he may have another woman on the side — not so much sexually as emotionally.

He was communicating with other women on an intimate level during the start of our relationship, without my knowledge, and that experience has left me uncertain of his commitment to me.

I have asked him if I’m the only one, and he swears that I am, but I can’t shake the feeling that there’s something he isn’t telling me.

He is extremely clever, and I am incredibly trusting. I’m left with lingering doubt.

How can I move past what I consider irrational insecurity before my fear predicts my future?

Fear of Infidelity

Dear Fear of Infidelity: If you are unsure of your guy’s commitment to you, you should not be engaged to him. Ideally, your public (and private) promise to marry means that you are moving forward with your trust in one another and fidelity already secured.

You obviously need more time to sort out your fears.

You make an excellent point that “irrational insecurity” could actually inspire the situation you’re most fear. Responding to a partner’s constant suspicion or trying to boost them from truly irrational insecurity is exhausting and depleting.

However, your own instincts are your best tool for determining the course of your own life. Never ignore them. You believe there is something he isn’t telling you? There is a high likelihood that you are right.

Have you demonstrated a tolerance for hearing the truth and responding calmly and rationally, or does your partner believe that the truth will break you?

Your relationship started off on a challenging note. Do not submerge your own instincts in order to continue.

Your fiancé may have to lift the veil of his well-tended privacy to reassure you.

Dear Amy: I am a 72-yearold man in excellent physical condition.

I work more than fulltime as a “house call” veterinarian and love what I do.

I also love hiking, camping, traveling and sharing a good movie with a partner.

My amazing wife of 27 years was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease about four years ago. She has been in a memory-care unit at a very good facility for the last 18 months. She feels productive and stays busy, and neither of us regrets this choice.

I visit her often, but she remembers me as a good friend, not as her spouse.

I’d love to stop working and begin to enjoy life, but when I mention my “wife,” prospective partners don’t think it appropriate to seek more than a friendship.

At this stage of life, I don’t need another friend. I need a partner. Suggestions?

DVM

Dear DVM: I’m sorry you and your wife are going through this. It interests me that you say she knows you now only as a good friend, proving friendships can outlast partnerships.

To nitpick: You don’t “need” a partner. You “want” a partner. That desire is understandable, but if you are approaching women as potential partners and they offer friendship instead, I suggest you accept this offer.

All of the things you love to do — hiking, camping, traveling, movies — can be enjoyed with a friend.