Longing for their ‘Escape’

Dear Amy: I’m a 71-yearold man. Twenty years ago I was married, had an affair and left my marriage.

I am still with “the other woman” but not married.

My relationship with my ex is good; we speak often.

At the time of this affair, we had four children, ranging in age from 13 to 20. They are all grown now with families of their own, and after several tough years, they all understand and are good with everything.

My ex hooked up with a guy she went to junior high school with before I even moved out of the house — she eventually married him.

I understood why she did all that.

The thing is, it’s like that song “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)”: My ex and I realize that we had the best times together.

The people we are with now have been good for us. We are both more stable and financially secure than we’d be if we’d stayed together. But it’s no fun. We obviously can’t get a do-over. Neither of our mates would appreciate our getting together for some fun times.

Have you ever heard of such a thing — and what advice, if any, can you give?

Want to Escape

Dear Escape: To recap the plot of this wonderful earworm, two former lovers who have moved on to other relationships realize that they both love piña coladas and walking in the rain. In short, this song is about reconnecting with a previous love.

The cynic in me says that this is something you should have realized before you had an affair and blew up your marriage. You can try to bring fun and joy to your current relationships.

The romantic in me says that you and your ex obviously believe that you are on a path leading to fun and passion. Given that you are both entering your elder years, you might see this as a last chance at revisiting your youth and repairing some of the mistakes you made.

Divorced couples do sometimes reconcile after many years apart. And some of those couples (an estimated 30%) break up again.

If you choose this particular “walk in the rain,” I suggest you make this choice with much more care and compassion toward your current partner than you showed the last time.

Dear Amy:

My husband always runs late to scheduled engagements, family gatherings, funerals, our son’s basketball games, etc.

I am the opposite and prefer to be there early.

He becomes very upset if I tell him that I will meet him there because I do not want to be late and miss any special moments.

He accuses me of ”not wanting to be a couple.”

Am I being selfish when I arrive alone?

Early Bird

Dear Early Bird: If your husband maintains that you need to be late (with him) for events in order to demonstrate that you want to be a “couple,” I’d suggest the obvious: Being on time for events is a valid way for him to demonstrate that HE wants to be part of a couple.

He is baiting the hook. Don’t bite.

Your task here is to find ways to detach from his behavior and manage your own frustration.

Don’t judge him for being late. Just see his lateness as being part of who he is. You are not in charge of him.

The less pressure he feels from you, the more responsibility he might assume to try harder to be prompt. But — maybe not.