Asking for wedding plus-1

Dear Amy: Is there a way that a wedding invitation addressed to my wife and me and our 40-year-old single son could be changed to a “plus-one” invitation so my son could bring his serious girlfriend of two-plus years to the wedding?

The groom is the eldest son of our closest family friend. Inviting our son probably was prompted by the groom’s dad, as he has been like a godfather to our son.

If my son were to get engaged in the next month or two (the wedding is 10 weeks from now), does that alter the situation and your reply?

Simply put, is there any situation where an invitee can ask if they can bring their romantic partner?

Determined Dad

Dear Dad: It is appropriate to include a long-term serious romantic partner in a wedding invitation.

However, if this family is as close to your son as you state, then presumably they would know about this almost-fiancée. Furthermore, if your son isn’t invested enough in this wedding to consider going with you (without his girlfriend), that is another clue that, even if you and the parents are extremely close, he and the marrying couple are not first-tier friends. And it’s their wedding.

You can’t just change a wedding invitation. You can, however, gingerly and respectfully ask if they might have room for a “plus-one.”

When I got married, a couple of people did this, and it was fine. (Worse were those who accepted the invitation, didn’t show up and didn’t let us know in advance — as seems to happen at every wedding.)

If your son got engaged before the wedding, the marrying couple might be embarrassed if they learned about it and hadn’t included the fiancée in the invitation. But that’s a terrible reason to rush an engagement.

Dear Amy: I know three nice older women in relationships that haven’t led to marriage because the men’s children won’t accept these women into the family.

I was wondering if there are people in that situation where the man has said, “This is my choice and I want you to accept it and her.”

Alice

Dear Alice: I do believe that the issue of adult children not accepting a parent’s new partner is something of a phenomenon.

“Wicked stepmother” tropes aside, I think this complex control issue has to do partly with how these entitled children were raised, how their parents’ marriage ended (whether in death or divorce), and how rapidly the children might believe their parent has moved into new relationships.

As a daughter, mother and very happy stepmother, I will say this: If you give people power and control over your life, they will happily take it and run with it.

Children who don’t respect a parent’s right to make choices, even poor ones, are assuming control over the relationship. Sometimes they will even shamelessly use access to grandchildren as the anvil dangling over a parent’s head.

And parents who let their children do this have failed in their responsibility to assert their own rights and command respect.

Sometimes parents do push back against this kind of control. Doing so while recognizing their children’s points of view, addressing their concerns and moving at an appropriate and determined pace can help everyone to adjust.