Grandkid wants praise too
Dear Amy: I have cousins who get almost all the attention from our grandparents.
One cousin is at an Ivy League school right now (on scholarship for football). He also has an internship with a firm on Wall Street. The other is a highly rated high school basketball player.
I haven’t been blessed with those athletic talents, but I am making my own path to success. I will graduate college in May. Then, I will go to graduate school.
But no matter what I do, I never seem to receive the same level of attention and respect as my cousins do.
My grandparents might talk about my successes for a few minutes but then move on and talk about my cousins for the rest of the time.
I’m happy for my cousins and want them to be successful, but it hurts me feeling like my accomplishments and successes are going underappreciated. This has happened my entire life.
How do I tell my grandparents this without causing heated arguments?
Underappreciated
Dear Underappreciated:
If you fear that expressing your sincere feelings will bring on a heated argument, then I’d say the issue with your grandparents is deeper and more complicated than an attention imbalance.
Parents often actively promote closeness between children and their grandparents, starting very early in life. Your parents might have been more low-key than your cousins’ parents.
These cousins seem to be succeeding in ways that we in Western culture latch onto. Excelling in sports and heading to Ivy League schools will provide a shorthand for obvious “success” in the sometimes superficial ways that some parents and grandparents seem to value.
If you want to let your grandparents know how this affects you, you can express your feelings using “I statements”: “I know my cousins are doing well, but I’m doing really well too. I feel like I’m often in their shadow when it comes to you. It would mean a lot to me if you understood that. Your good opinion means a lot to me.”
A few statements like this should open the door. I hope your grandparents choose to walk through it.
Remember, though, that the most important approval you will ever receive is that which you give to yourself.
Dear Amy: I am a recently divorced woman. I started a new job about six months ago. I am in middle management and enjoy the work very much.
One of my (male) colleagues has asked me about three times what my marital status is.
Normally I’m pretty open about my life, but this query puts me off. I’ve dodged the question, but I’m wondering how I should handle it.
Curious Colleague
Dear Curious: Don’t dodge. This is a natural instinct, but dodging just pushes this down the road.
If he brings up your marital status again, you could respond: “Why do you keep asking me this?”
Understand that when you do so, you open yourself up to his (possibly disingenuous) answer.
Regardless of how he responds, tell him, “That’s personal, and I don’t want to discuss it. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t bring it up again.”
Stating that this personal curiosity bothers you should end it.
He needs to back all the way off. If he persists after you ask him to stop, he is opening himself up to a possible harassment claim.