Los Angeles Times

She just wants her flowers

- Email questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@ amydickins­on.com.

Dear Amy: I just lost my first pregnancy to miscarriag­e. My husband and I had been trying for a while and really wanted to be parents.

In my excitement, I’d told everybody I was pregnant, so I then had to go back and share the bad news.

Everybody expressed sympathy and asked if there was anything they could do. The honest answer was yes — all I really wanted was flowers so the house could feel beautiful and full of life.

I thought it was rude to ask. I assumed at least a few of them would send flowers.

Here we are a week later, and no flowers.

I guess I want to know if I should have asked for the flowers when people asked.

It feels even ruder to ask now, and to say that I really did have silent expectatio­ns and no one met them.

Should I just buy my own flowers at this point?

Looking for Grief Etiquette

Dear Looking: I’m so sorry you are experienci­ng this complicate­d loss.

Some people have an extremely negative reaction to flowers after a loss, because the scent, followed by the wilting, can be a powerful trigger for grief.

I’m writing a prescripti­on for you to go out today and purchase a flowering potted plant — something appropriat­e for your area that you could plant in the ground.

I hope you will ask your friends and family directly to send you flowers! It’s not too late. Giving them a clear way to help will unite you all.

Ask your most reliable friend or family member to coordinate a delivery of a fresh bouquet each week for the next month or so — each from a different friend.

Dear Amy: I’m in a new relationsh­ip with a man I have known for years.

He keeps emails and text messages from a woman he was in a relationsh­ip with. Some of those texts from her are sexual in nature. She also sends photos of herself.

Although her communicat­ion with him is becoming less frequent, I wonder why he keeps these reminders.

Her messages are about how she loves him and she knows he loves her. He does not contact her back, so I say, “Why keep this mess?”


Dear Upset: Blocking, muting and ignoring exes are all issues that couples may need to openly navigate as they move toward the allimporta­nt romantic digital touchstone­s of deleting your dating profiles and announcing your relationsh­ip status on social media.

Why does he keep this mess? Does he maintain digital trophies from all of his previous relationsh­ips? Is he ghosting her, rather than using his grown-up voice to break up with her? You should ask him! This should not be an interrogat­ion but a conversati­on. Do not tell him what to do, but tell him how this makes you feel.

You’ve known this man for a long time, but setting parameters in a committed and exclusive relationsh­ip is a process of getting to know someone in a new way.

If his behavior continuall­y triggers your insecurity or jealousy, you might need to retreat to the friend zone.

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