Los Angeles Times
She just wants her flowers
Dear Amy: I just lost my first pregnancy to miscarriage. My husband and I had been trying for a while and really wanted to be parents.
In my excitement, I’d told everybody I was pregnant, so I then had to go back and share the bad news.
Everybody expressed sympathy and asked if there was anything they could do. The honest answer was yes — all I really wanted was flowers so the house could feel beautiful and full of life.
I thought it was rude to ask. I assumed at least a few of them would send flowers.
Here we are a week later, and no flowers.
I guess I want to know if I should have asked for the flowers when people asked.
It feels even ruder to ask now, and to say that I really did have silent expectations and no one met them.
Should I just buy my own flowers at this point?
Looking for Grief Etiquette
Dear Looking: I’m so sorry you are experiencing this complicated loss.
Some people have an extremely negative reaction to flowers after a loss, because the scent, followed by the wilting, can be a powerful trigger for grief.
I’m writing a prescription for you to go out today and purchase a flowering potted plant — something appropriate for your area that you could plant in the ground.
I hope you will ask your friends and family directly to send you flowers! It’s not too late. Giving them a clear way to help will unite you all.
Ask your most reliable friend or family member to coordinate a delivery of a fresh bouquet each week for the next month or so — each from a different friend.
Dear Amy: I’m in a new relationship with a man I have known for years.
He keeps emails and text messages from a woman he was in a relationship with. Some of those texts from her are sexual in nature. She also sends photos of herself.
Although her communication with him is becoming less frequent, I wonder why he keeps these reminders.
Her messages are about how she loves him and she knows he loves her. He does not contact her back, so I say, “Why keep this mess?”
Dear Upset: Blocking, muting and ignoring exes are all issues that couples may need to openly navigate as they move toward the allimportant romantic digital touchstones of deleting your dating profiles and announcing your relationship status on social media.
Why does he keep this mess? Does he maintain digital trophies from all of his previous relationships? Is he ghosting her, rather than using his grown-up voice to break up with her? You should ask him! This should not be an interrogation but a conversation. Do not tell him what to do, but tell him how this makes you feel.
You’ve known this man for a long time, but setting parameters in a committed and exclusive relationship is a process of getting to know someone in a new way.
If his behavior continually triggers your insecurity or jealousy, you might need to retreat to the friend zone.