Clarifying her boundaries
Dear Amy: My husband and I have a special- needs teen son. After more than a year on a wait list, we finally have an in- home therapist.
“Darla” comes three mornings a week to wake him and get him dressed and ready for school. This gives me rare and needed breaks.
My husband, who works from home, lets Darla into the house. I usually stay in my room and sleep or enjoy the quiet until it is time for me to take my son to school.
Darla doesn’t see all that I do when she isn’t there.
I’ve picked up hints that she thinks I’m lazy and that my husband is put- upon. ( He doesn’t feel that way.)
She also seems to have a crush on my husband and f inds excuses to chat with him when he’s working.
I sent Darla a text asking her not to disturb him unless absolutely necessary.
She didn’t respond to the text, but she did stop interrupting him as much.
Recently, after I let her in one morning, she told my son that he was slacking because his mother got up before he did. I didn’t say anything to this back- handed comment, but I’m fuming!
Darla is good with my son, and if I fired her it would take months to f ind a replacement.
How can I keep her on but put her attitude in check? Curious Mom
Dear Mom: Your concerns are related to boundaries and communication. Darla’s other clients may have a different living and communication style.
If she is good with your son, then that positive dynamic should be your primary concern. Keep this in mind as you course correct and adjust to one another.
Her telling your son he was “slacking ” because you were up before him seems like a lighthearted comment that, depending on the dynamic and your son’s abilities, could easily be seen as a joking nudge, establishing a rapport with him.
Is it possible you have taken this entirely the wrong way, triggered by your other annoyances? If this sort of comment would cause your son to feel bad, or be anxious, then you should correct Darla about her tone.
You and your husband should sit down with her. Start with positive feedback regarding the work she is there to do. Review some household basic rules.
Your husband should make clear that his workday has begun when she arrives, and she shouldn’t interrupt unless it’s important.
And hints that you’re lazy? Unless these are openly expressed, I sincerely suggest that you stop caring.
Dear Amy: I am wondering what to say to an elderly relative who becomes so high on pain medication that their speech is slurring, yet they still want to hold my baby.
It is unclear if they know how intoxicated they are, yet they often admit ( after the fact) that they “overdo” their medication in order to handle leaving the house.
Do we politely say no to holding the baby, or just hover close by while the baby is held? Another option? No Hurt Feelings
Dear No Hurt: Your relative has admitted to “overdoing” pain medication. This is concerning. Whatever family member has the closest caretaking relationship with this relative should be informed and encouraged to review the medication choices with their physician.
You can say, “You seem shaky today and the baby might get squirmy, so I’m going to sit right beside you and hold the baby myself.”