She must mother herself

Dear Amy: I have a very difficult and stressful relationship with my mother. She’s an addict and an alcoholic, and she missed out on much of my early childhood because of it. I’m now 19.

When I was around 8, she finally sobered up, but she still has a multitude of psychological problems, and she never really grew up.

She hurt me over and over again. She put her maternal duties aside and wasn’t there for me.

Finally, I had enough when she missed my high school graduation. She then lied to me about why she had missed it (turns out she was at home the whole time).

I tried to tell her how much this hurt me. She cried, engaged in theatrics, pitied herself and essentially told me she was giving up on our relationship because she “always messes up.”

I begged her to try to change, for me, but it appears she’d rather wallow in her own sorrow and cry about how much I hate her.

I don’t hate her; I wish she would try harder so we could be together.

I haven’t seen her in almost a year, and we haven’t spoken for months. I have no idea how to deal with this. Lost, Confused and

Sad Daughter

Dear Daughter: You are the child of an addict, and you have assumed the heavy burden that her addiction has bestowed upon you.

You would like to force your parent toward change, so that you might have the sort of healthy parent/child relationship you long for.

Unfortunately, your mother is not willing — or able — to change for you.

But you can change. This change should be directed toward securing your own future health and happiness and accepting the lousy hand you’ve been played, as well as her limitations.

You need to find ways to lay down this weight.

Every human being longs for love and constancy, and you will find it — but likely not with your mother.

It is time for you to commit to parenting yourself (and I have a feeling you’ll be very good at it).

Engaging in trusting and emotionally healthy relationships with others will also help you to heal.

I suggest you join a “friends and family” support group such as Al-anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics, and also read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal From Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents,”

by clinical psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson.

Dear Amy: My daughter is engaged to her college boyfriend. They are now living together.

Even though my daughter’s income is substantially less than his, he insists that she pay 50% of their expenses. She is starting to fall behind and is going into debt in order to keep up.

I’d like your thoughts.

Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned: I’m wondering why he has the power to decide and dictate their household finances.

If they are looking ahead to a marriage where they will be true partners, these important issues should be negotiated and mutually decided upon, not dictated by one partner.

If she is managing her money responsibly but can’t afford living on these terms, something needs to change. It is ultimately extremely expensive to be in debt.

This is a red flag. The pressure of being in debt will add to the pressure of being with a partner who sounds controlling.