How to support recovery

Dear Amy: I have a beautiful, smart and wonderful 16year-old granddaughter who is anorexic.

She has been at a special care facility for two months and will be returning home in a couple of weeks.

This is a very emotional and difficult time for her parents, and the whole family.

What do I say to this child? How should I behave with her? Should I talk to her about her sickness?

People tell me to just be myself, but this myself wants to hug her for a long time. She currently doesn’t allow hugging or touching.

Is there a support group for grandparents?

My whole being hurts so much when I think of the suffering my daughter, son-inlaw and her 14-year-old sister are going through!

I truly want to be the grandma who has always supported and loved her.

Hurting Grandma

Dear Grandma: The fact that you’re asking this reveals how important a role you could play in your granddaughter’s recovery just by being yourself. But “being yourself ” in this context may feel somewhat surreal.

Returning from an inpatient program marks a stage in recovery but is not the end of recovery. Your granddaughter’s recovery is a process that could take a very long time.

It is common for people returning from treatment to feel awkward, “onstage” and the unwanted focus of the entire family’s attention. I think this is especially challenging for teenagers.

The recovering person does not want to be visually scrutinized, touched, hugged or put at the center of the family’s conversation.

You should not discuss her illness, her eating or even “how healthy she looks.”

You should simply tell her that it is great to see her.

Let her fade to the fringes of family gatherings (if she wants) until she feels more comfortable being home. Interact with her parents and sister, recount a favorite funny story from her mom’s childhood, talk about what you’re reading or watching or who you saw at the farmers market.

And if you find yourself babbling, laugh about it and then settle down.

All of you just have to get through this initial phase.

Eating disorders are family diseases. I heartily support your instinct to seek support. The facility where your granddaughter has received treatment should offer support groups for family members. The National Alliance for Eating Disorders offers a well-regarded virtual support group for family members and caregivers.

Dear Amy: My wife of 57 years had a lover in her youth.

I’ve asked her for some details about that affair, but she won’t disclose anything.

Should I accept that stance or should she comply with my request?

Just the Facts!

Dear Just the Facts!: You don’t say why you are so curious about this long-ago affair at this stage in your life.

Your wife has the right to disclose or withhold anything from her past that precedes your relationship, unless this has a direct bearing on your own family (for instance, if she had a child by that relationship). This also applies to your own past.

Your curiosity doesn’t qualify as a “need to know.”

If this has become a sticking point, then you will both have to reckon with it, thoughtfully talk it through and make a conscious choice to move forward.