An uncomfortable topic?
Dear Amy: Our family has had three members with Down syndrome; my youngest sister was born with DS in 1968 and died in 2016.
I have a cousin with the condition, and my daughter and her husband have a son with Down syndrome.
I’ve been involved in the Down syndrome community for years. I have a teaching degree in special education and was a special ed educator for years.
Even with greater social acceptance, I still experience social awkwardness when DS comes up.
Although I am perfectly comfortable chatting with others about Down syndrome, I don’t know how to handle situations when others are uncomfortable.
If I mention that we have a grandson with DS, the other person often looks like a “deer caught in the headlights.” They don’t know how to respond, and the conversation quickly becomes awkward and uncomfortable.
It’s hard to know if the other person would like to know more, or if they want to change the subject.
Sometimes, if I encounter a person with DS and their family, I would love to approach them and say hi, perhaps comment or ask questions if they seem receptive. But I often have a problem getting a feel for that too.
Your thoughts?
TONGUE-TIED IN DENVER
Dear Tongue-Tied: Although one of my favorite family members was born with Down syndrome, I approach your question with an awareness that is far less intimate than yours.
And just as you and I are likely very different from one another, no two neurodivergent people are alike, either.
Ask yourself what you are looking for in a response from other neurotypical people. Would you like them to say, “Oh, that’s interesting,” ask about your grandson’s schooling or ask, “What’s that like for you?”
If someone tells me their grandchild has curly red hair, is a musical prodigy, rides horses or is hiking the Appalachian Trail, I’m likely to assume that same darting eye look — without further context, a specific response doesn’t spring to mind.
Not knowing what to say doesn’t always mean that people are uncomfortable. It can mean that they’re processing a statement with no relatable context attached.
If you love someone with Down syndrome (as I do), you will be drawn to others with Down. You should communicate your friendliness directly to that person, and if they have family members or friends with them, you can gauge their willingness to interact by being open about your own family members.
Dear Amy: My boyfriend of four years doesn’t know when my birthday is. He can’t understand why he should care. He quips, “Sometimes I don’t even know my own birthday.”
When I said I thought it was strange that he didn’t care to know my birthdate, he accused me of “trying to start a fight.”
Am I being too sensitive?
IN THE DARK
Dear In the Dark: Birthdays are a day when others are invited to acknowledge and celebrate your very existence.
In balanced relationships, partners actually look for opportunities to celebrate one another, because (selfishly ) it feels good!
It is “strange” that your guy doesn’t even want to know the date of your birth (this can be vital information that he might need to supply in an emergency).