Seeking better judgment

Dear Amy: I am a 16-yearold girl. School is OK (I’m a sophomore), but one thing I notice is that I am really judgmental. I tend to have bad and judgmental thoughts about others.

For example, if I see a girl in revealing clothing, I call her a “slut” or a “whore” inside my head. Or if I see a boy wearing pajamas or slides or Crocs at school, I’ll think of him as “lazy” and “sloppy.”

I also have relatively high standards for boyfriends, most of which have to do with clothing and shoes.

Even though I’ve never been in a relationship before, I will judge the person by the way they look. If they don’t match my standards, then I won’t give them a chance.

There is this senior who was talking to me, but since he didn’t match my standards, I didn’t want to be seen with him around school.

I know what I don’t want, rather than what I do want.

I’m trying to figure out what is wrong with me, but I’m so used to being the way I am, it’s hard for me to stop.

I’ve been beating myself up for being judgmental and not giving people a chance, but I feel like if I don’t change, then I won’t be able to have a relationship.

What should I do?

Judgmental Teenager

Dear Teenager: I admire your motivation to change.

Being judgmental is a universal human trait. Using your judgment about others is an important evolutionary survival tool. If you don’t know someone personally, you need to rely on your instincts and judgment to discern whether you are safe around them.

I agree: The next stage in your development should be to work on the harsh voice in your head in order to let others in — no matter what they’re wearing. When you give others a chance, you are really giving yourself a chance — to grow into the person you want to be.

Can you change? Of course you can! Like all change, it will take time, practice and persistence.

I do need to offer a corrective observation.

The words you use to describe other girls (”slut” and “whore”) are rude and sexist, while the words you use to describe boys are much less offensive.

This is an example of how misogyny has permeated our culture, and you — a smart and capable girl — should not perpetuate it, even inside your head.

Using more neutral language will help you to behave differently.

Dear Amy: I have a dear friend whom I’ve known for over 40 years. She is the most generous person I know.

She retired and now travels with her three dogs.

When she’s in town she assumes that she can stay with us for a week or two.

After she has been with us, it takes us a whole day to de-dog the house.

I can’t do it anymore, especially since one of the dogs is now prone to accidents.

How do I tell her that her dogs can’t stay with us without ruining our friendship?

Dreading the Dogs

Dear Dreading: Three dogs for an extended stay is a lot, but if these dogs are older and infirm, your friend won’t leave them behind.

It’s important that you be honest. This will affect your friendship because she likely will stop visiting you.

I suggest that you tell her, “This is really hard for me to say because I treasure your visits — but I just can’t handle having the dogs with us. Can you help me to come up with an alternative?”

Maybe you can visit her, or meet her for a few days at a dog-friendly location.