Drinking drives her away
Dear Amy: I am 54 years old and have been married to my husband for 25 years.
He drinks at least six or more beers every evening. He gets up by 6 a.m. and goes to work and will work all day without any issues (to my knowledge). He does, however, start drinking by 4:30 or 5 p.m. and will drink until he goes to bed (between 9 and 10 p.m.).
I asked him to stop, and he flat-out said no. I asked him to cut back. He did for a while but now is drinking every evening again.
I have an extremely long work commute, so I go to bed early and get up by 4:30 a.m.
We have not been intimate or even cuddled in years. I have told him this bothers me, but he says it’s my fault. I love him so much and he still gives me butterflies (I’ve told him this).
I can’t imagine my life without him, but I also can’t live my life like this.
Is this selfish? We did say “for better or for worse.”
I just need someone to spell it out, even if it is not what I want to hear.
Miserable in Mo.
Dear Miserable: If your husband’s alcohol use is a primary control issue between the two of you, then the only thing I need to spell out for you is: Al-anon. Attending meetings and reading literature about the choices you have regarding your husband’s drinking would help to recast your perspective and alter your behavior (not his).
You two are ships passing in the night during your work weeks — only intersecting for relatively brief times in the evening, when he is drinking, which you both know is a trigger for you.
I believe the “for better or for worse” part of the marriage vows is not meant to consign spouses to a lifetime in a miserable union where neither party is thriving, happy, healthy or motivated toward positive change.
If you can’t live your life like this, then I don’t think you should.
Dear Amy: I’ve been working in various outpatient physician offices in a medical center for over six years.
When booking a patient’s follow-up appointment, I always preface the date and time by saying, “The next available appointment is...” or, “The first available appointment is...”
Invariably the response is, “Nothing sooner?”
I can’t tell you how annoying that is. I sometimes snap back by saying, “That’s what first available means,” but I try not to do that.
Can you suggest a more polite, succinct response?
It would be greatly appreciated by a huge population of appointment schedulers.
Nothing Sooner in MA
Dear Nothing Sooner: People are so predictable and so annoying — especially when we’re not feeling well, are worried about our health or are flummoxed and frustrated by the healthcare system.
Your job is repetitive. I suggest you start each shift by taking a deep breath, reminding yourself that the people who ask “Nothing sooner?” have no idea that this is the 30th time you’ve heard the phrase today, and that these patients are also customers who are just trying to get through their day and take care of themselves.
Try your hardest to recognize each one as an individual, just as the physician who treats them must do.
The succinct response is to say, “I’m sorry, nothing sooner,” or, “We don’t have anything sooner, but should I let you know if we have a cancellation?”