Ready to leave marriage

Dear Amy: I am in a fiveyear marriage that I feel is more like a roommate situation. We hardly ever do things together. Our sexual relationship is almost nonexistent (I’m just not interested in being intimate with him anymore).

He has cheated a few times. I cheated once, and that was to get back at him.

Since the infidelity, I find myself not trusting him.

I’m torn deciding what to do about this relationship.

We have trust issues, and now I feel as if we’re growing apart. I care about him, but I’m not in love with him like I used to be.

I’m tired of arguing every day and want some peace and happiness in my life.

I know therapy is what most people would suggest, but I already know what therapists are going to say so that’s why I don’t go.

Because of all the issues and the gaslighting, I feel like it’s time to call things off (he sort of agrees), but I can’t seem to leave. The fear of being alone keeps me here.

I do know that when he’s out of the house, I am a lot happier. Friends have told me they’ve noticed this. I wonder what to do. Lonely but Not Lonely

Dear Lonely: You say you and your husband are roommates, but many roommates have more honest and intimate relationships than you seem to have.

If you truly know what a therapist will tell you, then you could save yourself a copay and be your own therapist — deeply exploring your behavior and motivations and doing the hard work and truth-telling in order to get closer to the peace and happiness you seek.

A good therapist can help you to break up peacefully.

You seem to be mainly reactive — responding to his infidelity by revenge-cheating, and reacting to your uncertainty and lack of trust by keeping him at arm’s length.

You two should have an honest conversation, starting with these questions: Do we want to stay together? If so, how will we change in order to be together?

If you do want to stay together, then you both need to commit wholeheartedly to complete emotional and material transparency.

Fear of being alone is the worst reason to stay in a marriage.

Dear Amy: I retired at 62 and consider the ability to do so a blessing.

In the lead-up to this momentous event, I alerted family and friends of my decision, which yielded a barrage of warnings that my body would wither and my brain turn to mush.

Now that I am retired and living in a new community, I am questioned by apparently well-meaning people about what I do all day, as if enjoying leisure is a crime.

I am researching my genealogy, reading, investing, catching up remotely on long-neglected relationships and enjoying the life I worked 40 years to afford.

I don’t need to explain myself to anyone, but apparently some justification is expected. Have you any insights on how to approach these invasive comments?

Life Is Good

Dear Life Is Good: It’s possible that people are asking how you spend your time, not to accuse you of the crime of enjoying your leisure (how dare you!) but because they’re curious.

The kindest response is to assume they are being genuine. You can say, “I’m exploring all of those things that have fascinated me but which I never had time for. Honestly, I enjoy every day.”