Move triggers insecurities

Dear Amy: About two years ago, I messaged “Bradley” on social media. (We’re both gay.)

I complimented him on some pictures he posted.

He answered me, which led to steady messaging, which then led to phone calls. What impressed me was how often he took the initiative. I’d send a morning and an afternoon message. The calls could go two or three hours, on a daily basis.

He told me he’s shared more about his life with me than anyone else.

After several months of almost daily calls and messaging, I told him that I love him. He’s said the same to me. He really has become part of my life. We have talked about meeting.

Recently, he got a job out West, which means a move from his home state in the East. I live in the Midwest.

Now my insecurities are kicking in. There are going to be big changes in his life. I can imagine him meeting in person other guys he’s been in contact with.

I came into his life during a lull due to the pandemic.

He’s assured me we’ll stay in touch. He says I mean a lot to him and he’s deeply appreciative for all I’ve done to help and support him.

My fear is that I’ll eventually be left to the side. This happened once before in my life, and it hurt deeply.

I’m trying to face the idea that things clicked with us for a reason and a season.

How do I handle this? I want him to be happy. How do I let go and not cling or dump my fears onto him?

Unsure

Dear Unsure: You have developed a strong attachment to Bradley. Attachment can be something of a trap, because it can prevent you from forming and enjoying other relationships.

Bradley is the dominant person in your relationship, and the lack of balance is why you feel insecure now.

Continue to assume that as his life changes, your relationship also will change. You seem to understand that insecurity might push him away. You need to understand that your primary loyalty must be to yourself, to your health and progress in this world. Progress won’t happen when you are anxious and hurting.

You have portrayed Bradley as a compelling player who likely has formed strong attachments to other men. You know that if he really wanted to meet you in person, he would. (Is this a “romance scam?”)

The way to approach this painful uncertainty is to determine to expand your own world, to develop affirmative interests outside of this relationship and to transition from love object to friend.

Dear Amy: I’m in my early 20s and living at home. I’m paying my parents rent, but the money I pay doesn’t include anything else — just the room. This doesn’t seem fair to me, and I’d appreciate hearing what you think.

Renter at Home

Dear Renter: You’ve just described ... rent. When you rent, you pay the owner for the roof over your head.

When you’re a child, your parents provide all of the extras, but for adults, cooking, cleaning and laundry service is what happens at a hotel.

Do some research to see if you are able to afford rent and living expenses elsewhere. You may find that even without the extras, you are benefiting from the lower cost of living at home.

Many young people use this transition period at home to aggressively save money toward the higher cost of living elsewhere.