Boundaries get in the way

Dear Amy: Last summer, my sister’s husband died by suicide.

At her request, my parents and I helped with huge tasks through the blurry first weeks. Then, gradually, she reduced contact with us.

Calls and texting were fine, and typical boundaries seemed to be respected.

Last week my sister mailed my parents a letter, saying they could only use postal mail to contact her. (They had been sending short update emails and texts.)

My parents are in their 80s and at a loss. She seems to be blaming them for everything, but with communication so prescribed there doesn’t seem to be a way to move forward.

She also stopped responding to me. I’m hurt but feel like I can wait this out.

I sent her a birthday card and some bland notes.

My sister also communicates with my older son (who lives in another country), which is what led my therapist to say that maybe this is how she’s communicating.

My parents are in a support group and I have used my EAP for therapy, but this boundary/control/communication piece is hard.

I feel like my sister is trying to control us, but maybe I just don’t like that someone is dictating the boundaries and how they are respected, and then changes them when she wants to.

I keep wondering why she doesn’t just cut us off.

Bewildered

Dear Bewildered: Erecting and enforcing boundaries is a form of control. Healthy boundaries help all of us to establish our autonomy, essentially keeping others from overwhelming us.

Yes, your sister is controlling all of you. Given what she has been through, the kindest response would be to assume that this is the best she can do right now.

I wonder if her choice to switch to postal mail is an attempt to slow things down. Texts and calls might pressure her to rise to contact that she can’t manage.

You don’t say if she is receiving therapeutic help, or if she is communicating with you and your folks at all — after dictating these terms.

Be supportive, gentle and reassuring with your parents. Send your sister some newsy notes and postcards. Don’t pressure her, but do your best to keep the door open — even if you don’t like the current parameters. I hope for her sake that she chooses to walk through and reconnect.

Dear Amy: I’m in my late 20s. I live in my hometown and have stayed close to my parents. I have a job and a car, and share an apartment with a friend.

I have a strong hankering to attend a popular music festival, featuring a group I have followed for years.

I’ve floated the idea with my parents, who have strong objections. They are worried about many factors, mainly safety (we’ll be camping).

I am a careful person. I’ve never given them a reason to worry — before this.

I’d like your advice about what to do and also how to handle this with my parents.

Fan

Dear Fan: After you book your tickets, plan for your food and gas up your car, tell your parents your plans and assure them that you will be in touch at least once a day.

They will express their worries and might pressure you not to do this. Reassure them that you’ll be careful, and ask if you can have dinner with them the night after you return.

That’s it. You’ll have to handle yourself responsibly, and they will too.