To sell or not to sell gift?
Dear Amy: Eighteen months ago, a friend gave me two collectible vintage items. I’d always loved them, and she said she didn’t care for them anymore.
About a year ago she abruptly moved across the country to live with her boyfriend and cut all contact with everybody.
I still have the items she gave me, and while I do like them, since our relationship ended on a sour note I don’t want to keep them.
I want to sell them, since they’re valuable (about $800 for the pair), but to complicate things I’m great friends with her brother, “James,” who still lives in my city.
James and his sister shared the items in childhood (a gift from their mother), so I’m torn. Would it be rude to sell them? I don’t think he has any interest in keeping them (his sister told me this), and they’d probably just be in storage.
Should I give him a portion of the money, or ask permission to sell them?
Is it OK to just sell them and keep the money?
Deliberating have a very close relationship with a member of this family, the ethical thing to do is to offer these items to him.
Tell James that because your relationship with his sister seems to have faded, you wonder if he’d like to have these family heirlooms.
If James says he’s not interested, tell him you’d like to sell them. Transparency will help to preserve your friendship with him. Whether to share the money with him is a judgment call — it’s not necessary to offer.
Ask yourself how you would feel if your close friend sold a memento from your childhood without at least running it past you first.
Dear Amy: Five years ago, my husband and I were invited to spend a week at the beautiful home of a couple we know (but not well). They were wonderful hosts.
The last night of our stay, the group (10 adults) went out for dinner. Everyone had a lot to drink. We were all engaged in a spirited discussion about politics. In the course of this, the husband (”William”) raised his voice and directed some extremely personal and disparaging remarks at my husband. It was like a movie.
The evening screeched abruptly to a halt. We didn’t react but were quite stunned. We left early the next day to catch our flight.
We have a wide tolerance for mixing it up (we’re both from big families), but this was unprecedented.
People had been drinking, and missteps are to be expected, but this was personal and vicious. The wife apologized, the husband didn’t, and I sent them a cordial note and gift, thanking them for their generosity.
The couple moved away and neither side had made any gestures.
I just got a text from the wife; they’re back in town and she says they want to get together. We do not hold a grudge but don’t want to spend time with someone who so obviously does not like or respect one of us.
Should I ghost her? Explain things? Let it all go?
Confused
Dear Confused: Ghosting seems easy — you just ignore — but it gets complicated when they don’t read the signal and you run into them. I vote for a phone call. Don’t blame or shame, but explain your interpretation of this long-ago event.