Discussion key to partners

Dear Amy: My little sister took over the family farm and has been running it (with my other sister) for two years. It keeps her busy from sunup to sundown.

A year and a half ago, she had a son. I offered to watch him. I’m a stay-at-home mom for my own boys, so no problem.

We currently live with my parents, whose home sits on the farm property. My sister offered money, but I said I was happy to watch him without payment.

I agreed to this without first discussing it with my husband.

What started out as a few days a week quickly turned into six days, from breakfast to dinnertime. This started to cut into my own family time. My husband refused to help me on his days off because he hadn’t agreed to it.

We both became increasingly fatigued and bitter.

We went to marriage counseling. Our counselor said it was unfair that I hadn’t discussed it with my husband from the start and that I should cut back on the babysitting commitment. I did, and we both felt better.

I had a baby in February. I told my sister that I would like a “maternity leave.”

But then I also told her that if she wanted to move into the empty lot next to us, I’d be willing to watch her child again during my baby’s infancy.

When I told my husband, he was distraught. He said I did this without his consent again and that he would have said no if I’d asked him.

I understand why he’s upset. I should have communicated before offering.

But I also wonder why I need his permission to do something that I enjoy doing, that helps out a family member and that blesses my own children.

My husband never has to watch this child at all. Can he tell me what I can and can’t do in this regard?

It seems a bit controlling. Am I missing something?

Whit

Dear Whit: I can’t figure out why you took your counselor’s good advice, things got better for you and your husband, and then you proceeded to repeat the behavior you’d agreed to change.

Your husband isn’t telling you what to do. He is telling you that you need to discuss decisions that have an impact on your family with him before committing.

And, of course, he needs to do the same!

Your husband might feel overwhelmed and excluded because your immediate family is so enmeshed with your extended family.

You two should act like full partners, discussing major work and family decisions, and agreeing on reasonable boundaries.

Dear Amy: One of my dear friends got engaged several years ago. I had a custom gift made for her in anticipation of the wedding.

Then 2020 happened, and in the upheaval brought on by the pandemic, the engagement was called off.

The gift has no specific references to the couple or to marriage, but it is more extravagant than the gifts we typically give each other for birthdays or Christmas.

I would still like to give it to her. Is there any way I can tactfully do this? Gifting

Dear Gifting: You should give it to her, along with an explanation of the gift’s provenance. Just be completely honest: “I had this made for you during your engagement, and I hope you’ll accept and enjoy it now — in celebration of our long and enduring friendship.”