Impatient for acceptance
Dear Amy: I’m an out and proud gay woman. Two years ago, I met a wonderful girl. We had an instant connection and started dating.
After initially sneaking around, she told her parents about us.
She is an only child, and her parents are traditional, old-fashioned, “my way or the highway” people.
I differ from them in almost every aspect of life.
Until this year, she lived with them, and things were uncomfortable for her — her relationship with me was always the elephant in the room. I was never spoken of or acknowledged; they simply pretended I don’t exist.
Her mother seems to be trying to be open. She and I exchange small talk over social media, but her father won’t acknowledge me at all.
When we go to their house, I am not welcomed in.
I have done a lot to present myself respectfully to him. I’ve purchased Christmas gifts for them, baked pastries, done favors — and never gotten even a “hello.”
I know from experience that it takes time to come to terms with having a gay child, but I’m disheartened that this has gone on so long.
Should I just give this some more time? Black Sheep
Dear Black Sheep: Yes, you should give this more time, and you should be patient while your girlfriend continues to gauge her parents’ rejection and find ways to cope. For now, I suggest that you cease any campaign to win them over.
This is exhausting, emotional work that places an unfair burden on your girlfriend, but as an only child new to this experience, she likely wants to try to maintain a relationship with her folks. A therapist would be very helpful to you both.
I read a 2021 empirical study focusing on how LGBTQ adults maintain relationships with parents who reject their identity.
Adult children take on the burden of figuring out how to manage these family conflicts through avoidance (don’t ask, don’t tell), acceptance (they accept the strain but decide to stay bonded with the parents) and boundaries (setting significant boundaries with the parents to manage rejection while staying bonded).
Your girlfriend’s mother might become an ally. You two should spend time with her, in order to normalize your relationship. The father might not ever come around, and I hope you both can come to view his rejection as his loss.
Dear Amy: I want to ask if I have a right to feel upset regarding my wife and her ex.
They have been divorced for eight years and share three teens/young adults.
We have been married for almost six years.
He gets her very expensive gifts for Christmas, her birthday or “just because.”
This really bothers me, and I don’t feel it is acceptable nor appropriate. (He is remarried as well.) I am 60 and my wife is 45. Her ex is a couple of years younger than her.
Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Brent in Texas
Dear Brent: I’m often asked if people get to feel their feelings. Yes, you do!
The burden is for you to examine your feelings and describe them cogently to your wife. She should not dismiss your feelings but should explain her motivation in accepting his gifts.
You might feel differently if she explains that accepting these expensive gifts is a way for her to redistribute some of her ex’s wealth.
Email questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.