Giving bride the brushoff
Dear Amy: My niece lives 10 states away and is getting married. Her invitation said that my son, 17, was invited only to the wedding ceremony — not the reception.
I told her that we would not be spending thousands of dollars (flights, hotel, rental car, gifts) for a 15-minute ceremony.
Her response was, “You can come, and he can sit in the hotel.”
I said we were still not coming. And (I told her), “By the way — that was so rude.”
Now her parents are angry, and others in the family are weighing in.
How do I make this situation better? Irate Aunt in MD
Dear Irate: You state that you want to make this situation better, but what’s your definition of “better”?
Although anyone could understand your concern regarding your son’s exclusion, your brusque response would not inspire the bride to change her mind. For that to happen, you’d have had to ask a question (“We’re coming such a long way; is there any way you can include ‘Danny’ in the reception?”) versus stating a declarative.
The bride’s response indicates that brusqueness may run in the family. (She could have said, “This was a tough decision, but we’re having a strictly over-21 reception. We realize this creates a problem for you.”)
You could try to turn this around by changing your tone from one conveying how insulted you are to its more polite version: “We’re so sorry we won’t be able to make it to your wedding — but we hope you have a wonderful and joyful day. We regret having to miss it.”
Dear Amy: I have a mostly pleasant relationship with a lovely woman, 48. She’s divorced with two children in their late teens. I’m a divorced, 55-year-old, self-employed builder. My son is 22.
We’ve been seeing each other for four months.
We agreed at the outset that neither of us was looking for a live-in or “permanent” relationship, and both just wanted something relaxed and pleasant.
We get together about three to four days/nights a week for a movie, to cook together and sometimes to go fishing, which we both enjoy.
The first time we met, I told her I’m a long-term sober member of AA. I don’t like to be around people who drink. I also said that I detest events like weddings, parties and group outings.
After a couple of months, she started to express disappointment that I won’t go to her friends’ dinner parties, functions and outings.
She was extra-miffed that I wouldn’t attend a 300person, 50th-birthday party for her closest girlfriend.
She says that I am “supposed to do these things if I’m her boyfriend.”
Now she is pushing me to attend her niece’s large destination wedding.
I’m ready to bail.
I asked her why she wants me around if my introversion and personal boundaries don’t suit her, but she cries if I suggest she’d be better off with a more social guy.
I feel she is not respecting my boundaries, whereas I believe I respect hers. Am I missing something here? Introvert
Dear Introvert: You aren’t missing anything.
It’s easy, in the first blush of attraction, to agree to almost any parameters.
This seems like a very basic incompatibility. You should acknowledge that this is tough on her, but you are who you are, and you can’t change for her.