Trying to believe cheater

Dear Amy: I recently found out my husband of 15 years has been cheating for five years. He just ended a fivemonth relationship with a woman he met at a bar.

I unearthed this situation when I discovered a text message from her.

He wined and dined her, slept with her often — even took her on vacation while he was at a bachelor party in Mexico.

In total, he claims he has kissed two women, visited a prostitute and had this most recent relationship.

Since coming clean, he has quit drinking, attended AA meetings and has been seeing a psychologist.

He promises he has changed and that he will devote the rest of his life to me and our middle-school kids. He has been a decent dad and our kids adore him.

I work in social work and see divorce’s effects on kids.

I am tempted to keep the status quo until the kids are older, but I also judge myself for staying with someone who has treated me this way.

I know this sounds insane, but I believe him when he says he won’t cheat again and is committed to change.

Of course, I can’t imagine ever being intimate with him again (he wants that).

Unsure

Dear Unsure: Two things that I believe you need to do: Get tested for STDs, and engage in intensive marriage counseling with your husband and professional support for yourself.

In terms of your harsh self-judgment in choosing to stay with this unfaithful and unreliable man, I will say this: In many ways, it’s easier to leave than to stay. You’re choosing the harder path.

He is at risk for a relapse, in which case you’ll have to revisit your choice. “Trust but verify” is your motto.

No one should judge a person’s efforts to preserve a marriage and family.

Dear Amy: I have caused a huge rift in our family.

I was supposed to keep a secret for Niece A and unintentionally blurted it out at a family function.

This led to Niece B running out and buying a house before A did, which upstaged A and upset her.

Then I told A that the house B bought was crap (a foreclosure), not knowing that B’s father was standing right behind me.

Now both families are upset with me.

I’ve apologized and tried to make amends with A, but she is standoffish and her parents are upset with me.

I’m very upset with myself for letting the cat out of the bag for A, but obviously I had no idea that B would upstage her like that.

The two families have been jealous of each other for a long time.

The two cousins avoid each other at family get-togethers and don’t appear to be speaking. I feel this is all my fault, though the tension has been building for years between the two families.

How do I fix this? Big Mouth

Dear Big Mouth: The way to fix this is to learn to modulate your behavior and to always behave as if your utterances might be broadcast and shared.

The way to build trust is to behave consistently, judiciously and discreetly.

You are not responsible for their long-running negative dynamic. The only good news is that after they’ve figuratively “shot the messenger” (you), their shared animus toward you might actually bring them closer together. You may need to apologize again and individually to the people you’ve offended. Then let things lie.