Undone by COVID rules
Dear Amy: My wife is a doctor who, at the beginning of the pandemic, needed to be extremely cautious about her exposure to COVID.
We asked our daughter, “Sarah,” to limit who she had personal contact with so we could still have in-person visits with her and our grandchildren while protecting my wife’s patients.
One day we saw a picture of Sarah on social media having cocktails unmasked and indoors at the home of a mutual friend, “Carrie.”
We told both Sarah and Carrie that Sarah now had to quarantine for two weeks.
We called Carrie to ask her to stop these invitations so that we could see our daughter. While we were on the phone with Carrie, she texted Sarah to invite her for cocktails that evening! (Sarah was sitting next to us while we called.)
My wife later told Carrie how angry we were. Carrie brushed this off and said she was being overly sensitive.
A few weeks later, Carrie’s husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer. She promptly told everyone how important it was that they now isolate.
I have opted to cut contact with Carrie, but my wife says she will not abandon this friend in a time of need.
Carrie is now on a mission to paint me as the source of friction in her friendship with my wife, and recently criticized me in front of others. My wife did not defend me.
What should I do?
Concerned Husband
Dear Concerned: You seem to have reached peak adulthood in the belief that you can control other people, simply by asking — or telling — them what to do.
You and your wife explained to your adult daughter the serious health risks created by choices she might make. Surely she understood your concerns and the reasons for them. Nonetheless, she chose to violate your wishes, then advertised her choice on social media.
In response, you treated your daughter and Carrie as if they were rebellious teenagers sneaking a smoke.
You are in charge of you, with responsibility only for your own relationships.
Your wife is in charge of herself, her patients and her friendships.
If Carrie puts you down, you should respond proportionally to defend yourself, and then avoid her.
If your wife wants to maintain a friendship with this toxic person, she’ll undoubtedly bear the consequences of that choice.
Dear Amy: We have a relative in their mid-20s who is expected to reveal soon to family and friends that they have transitioned genders.
What is the appropriate thing for us to say?
We support our relative, and want to continue a positive relationship.
Also, our family member does not realize that some of us know about this transition. We learned of it because their mother, our sibling, has been in need of her own support through this.
How can we help our family members? Thanks for your help in ... Dealing With Changes
Dear Dealing: The best way to help your family member is to greet them warmly, make eye contact and express — out loud — a version of this: “We want you to know that we love you, we’re happy for you, and we hope you’ll let us know if there are ways we can support you on your journey.”
You also could respond by supporting transgender advocacy groups.