Shunning seems extreme

Dear Amy: My husband has gone skiing with seven of his male peers for 17 years.

One friend, “Patrick,” is an alcoholic whose out-ofcontrol behavior during previous ski trips has been difficult for them to tolerate.

Last year, he was so offensive and unruly on a ski trip that it was the last straw, so the guys will not be inviting him to join them again.

My husband has blocked him on his phone.

Although all agreed that this shunning was justified, the loss of this friend caused my husband great emotional pain.

I am from a family that suffered from generations of alcoholism. I have a low tolerance for the pain caused by that sad addiction.

However, I am friends with Patrick’s wife, who knows he has been banned from the ski group for his frightening behaviors.

She is choosing to continue to support him and his painful, risky lifestyle, trusting that he will recover.

She is asking for “understanding” from the ski group and asking for me to maintain his friendship.

Both my husband and I enjoy her but want nothing to do with Patrick.

We are inclined to gently conclude our relationship with her, but we feel bad for all concerned.

Any insight or advice? Former Friend

Dear Former Friend: Banning an “unruly” person from an already potentially dangerous sporting weekend spent hurtling down a snowy mountain is a logical choice — safest for the group and for others on the slope.

Avoiding someone whose alcoholism is out of control is also a logical choice.

But “shunning”? Shunning is a group choice to permanently cut off contact. It is used as a consequence for unacceptable behavior.

“Gently concluding ” your relationship with his wife because she is both staying with her husband and trying to continue a friendship with you amounts to shunning her. This makes her a victim of her husband’s disease.

Urge her to get professional help — for herself. (A “friends and family” support group such as Al-Anon might be helpful for her.)

If you enjoy her friendship, continue to enjoy it.

You can say, “We won’t spend time with Patrick until he is sober and in recovery, but we’d like to keep up with you, if at all possible.”

Dear Amy: I went through a terrible divorce 30 years ago. We didn’t have children, and my ex-husband and I have not communicated at all since the divorce. I did not stay in touch with anyone in his family.

Recently, I found our wedding album in a box while clearing out a room.

There are very good photos of his parents and other relatives who are now dead. These are the only copies.

I don’t want to keep these photos, but I also don’t want to throw them away.

I found another relative on Facebook. I would like to send the photos to her, but I don’t want to reestablish a relationship of any kind.

Is there any polite way to accomplish this?

Holding History

Dear Holding History:

I suggest sending a private message on Facebook, introducing yourself and telling the relative what you have. Say you’re downsizing and would like to send these family photos to her. If she wants them, ship them with no return address. Once you know they were delivered, you can remove your contact with her on Facebook.