Friendships change, shift

Dear Amy: My childhood friend of 15 years and I lived together for three years as roommates. We were amazing friends and great roommates to each other.

Two of the three years we cohabited were during the darkest days of the pandemic, so we spent a ton of time together. It was so fun.

When I met my boyfriend during the second year of living together, she and I saw each other less often because I was getting to know him, but we still saw each other and texted frequently.

About a year later, she met her boyfriend and communication became much less frequent; she often forgot that I had texted her. She used the excuse, “I’m bad at responding, you know that” or, “I’m super busy — sorry for responding late.”

I live with my boyfriend now. She is living alone for a few months until she and her boyfriend move in together.

I miss her a lot but don’t know what to do or say because I don’t want her to think I’m angry. I only want her to be happy, even if that means we aren’t good friends anymore.

I don’t think she’ll change her texting habits for me, and she’s always wanted a fun and amazing boyfriend, which she now has. I just miss her as a friend.

Any ideas?

Losing Friendship

Dear Losing Friendship: If your friend wrote this question, she might reflect on her own disappointment that, because of your new boyfriend, you essentially moved away from this close friendship ... and in the darkest days of the pandemic!

For both of you, your emotional attention has shifted, even if your friendship needs have not.

But transferring life partners (trading the bulk of your primary attention away from your cohabiting bestie to the men in your lives) does not mean that you are headed to a bestie-divorce.

You two have been friends through very different phases in your lives. This is a transition to another phase of friendship, and it will take time to adjust.

Be patient with her. Call or see her in person (versus texting). Tell her: “For me, our close friendship was the silver lining of the pandemic. I hope we can find ways to keep it going, even though I know we’re both distracted by these men in our lives.”

I hope you two can schedule some one-on-one time as your friendship makes yet another important transition. If your respective guys hit it off, all the better.

Dear Amy: You have had many letters about disclosure of DNA results to relatives. I am 84, and I have just learned through DNA testing that I am illegitimate.

My biological father and brother are dead, and my biological nephew does not answer my efforts to reach out via the DNA site.

Since there is no way to obtain health information, should my children be told? They loved their “grandfather” and I’d hate for them to feel “disinherited.” DNA Dud

Dear DNA: I’d love to retire the word “illegitimate” to describe people born outside of marriage.

And yes, in my opinion you should disclose this to your children. They have as much a right to know about their DNA as you have to know about yours. They can take the information you’ve gathered and make their own choices about how to proceed.

You are legitimate. The family you know, the people you love — this is your family.