ASK AMY Harassing because he can

I’ve been friends with “Marianne” since high school. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding.

I’d only met her husband, “Chris,” once before their wedding.

My boyfriend was unable to attend. As a single woman I was heckled by most of the “married” groomsmen.

I decided to abstain from drinking, as the groom’s crowd made me nervous.

While Marianne was on the dance floor, her new husband approached me. Chris was quite drunk and made sexual comments to me. I tried to keep the conversation light and got away from him as soon as possible.

A year later a mutual friend of ours got married. Again, Chris got drunk and started another weird conversation with me while Marianne was elsewhere.

Later that night we were all dancing as a group and he f lipped me over his shoulder. I was uncomfortable and embarrassed. I avoided him for the rest of the night.

Several months later, we went to a festival with friends. With his wife sitting right across from us, he again started whispering sexual comments to me.

Until recently I was making excuses for him. My boyfriend said, “If he’s making you uncomfortable, you are reading the situation correctly.”

Should I tell Marianne that Chris is looking for people outside of the marriage?

Should I just avoid him? Or grow a backbone and tell him I’m not interested and if he wants to be with other people he shouldn’t be married to my friend?

Chris is sexually harassing you. He might not be looking to have a relationship outside of his marriage. He is doing this because he feels like it, and because he can. He chooses his moments, hiding in plain sight and in front of others when he believes he can’t be overheard. This is brazen, obnoxious and creepy.

His behavior is an assertion of power. If you feel safe doing so, you should tell him, directly and loudly, to knock it off. “Stop it. Stop sexually harassing me. Stop speaking to me. Back off.”

And then, by all means, tell your friend that Chris has been sexually harassing you and that you’ve told him to stop. Tell her you’d like to maintain your friendship with her, if possible, but that you will maintain a distance from him.

Then ask her if she is OK.

I am a supervisor of a small section at the company I work for. My main assistant is a very intelligent and valued employee.

The problem? She takes joy in pointing out others’ errors, even the most minor things, including mine.

This results in co-workers feeling put down and embarrassed.

How can I tactfully get her to stop? I don’t want to lose her as an employee.

During a private performance review, tell her that she is a valued employee. Say, “I’m going to be frank about an area where you need to improve. You have a tendency to point out your co-worker’s errors directly to them. That’s not how we operate here. I encourage people to check their own work, recognize and correct their errors, and if they don’t, I work with them to improve.”

This might be an opportunity to encourage her to take on more responsibilities. Her behavior might indicate that she is working well below her capacities.

Email questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@ amydickinson.com.