Cut off from her friends

Dear Amy: I am in a group of four women who have played bridge almost every week for more than 25 years.

A year ago, one woman abruptly cut all of us off. Through a series of texts and emails she told us she can’t be friends with us anymore.

She wouldn’t make time to see us in person.

She seems to be particularly mad at me. I emailed her trying to find out what had happened.

She started with a paragraph about all my wonderful qualities, but then said we can no longer be friends.

She wrote that I’ve done “1,000 things to hurt” her over the years, but she wouldn’t tell me what.

Her son is getting married soon and she has invited the other two members of our group but not my husband and me.

As far as I know, she doesn’t see or talk to the other two either. I’m quite devastated by this and communicated my feelings.

I’m very hurt that the other two are going to the wedding. I don’t know if I can keep the hurt from affecting the relationship between the remaining three of us.

Hurt

Dear Hurt: I’m not sure it’s fair to judge these other people for accepting an invitation you have been denied.

This former friend has (perhaps deliberately) set a mystery in motion, and this will corrode your other relationships, if you let it. And then you will have lost three friends instead of one.

I cannot decode this strange turn of events for you, but in my opinion, it is extremely cowardly to confront someone part-way, crack open a box of mysteries, then slam it shut. If there is an extreme difference in temperament between you two (you are outgoing and assertive, she is shy and passive), she may have felt dominated or silenced.

You could ask your other friends for any insight they might have; one advantage of their glancing contact with this person is that they might bring back some valuable information.

Dear Amy: A few years ago, I started volunteering one day a week for a local nonprofit food organization.

This isn’t my first experience as a volunteer.

I chose to overlook the lack of safety and training protocols. When I tried to address issues as they arose, however, I felt unheard. Nothing was done.

I haven’t felt appreciated or respected by staff or even other volunteers.

A few months ago, I was injured due to the actions of another volunteer.

This person didn’t apologize or show any concern for my well-being. After I filled out an incident report, the staff didn’t check on me.

I told them I was taking three months off.

Recently I got a message from the volunteer coordinator asking if I’d enjoyed my time away, and would I like to return?

As much as I care about the cause, I can’t go back if things don’t change there.

Should I write a short response saying that I have concerns, or a longer one outlining them as constructive criticism? Or should I let it go and move on? Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: You should respond by outlining your specific concerns. Keep your tone neutral, but describe any health and safety violations you saw during your time there, and the lack of adequate training.

Tell them that you value their mission but you won’t be returning as a volunteer.