Court date for young dad

Dear Amy: My youngest son, “Thomas,” dated “Alyssa” sporadically in high school. It was a volatile relationship (he’s nonconfrontational, she loves drama).

Alyssa became pregnant at the end of his senior year (her junior year).

He took a paternity test to confirm he was the father. They managed to work out visitation (nothing legal).

He has “Trent” three days a week (overnight). Trent is 10 months old. Thomas loves him so much.

The problem is that every time Thomas starts dating someone, Alyssa starts using the baby as a pawn.

She doesn’t want her son to be around another girl, and makes up terrible lies about the girl as reasons to keep the baby away.

When Thomas tries to keep a good friendship with Alyssa for the baby’s sake, she thinks he wants to resume their romance.

I know a lot of this is immaturity, but she has an unhealthy obsession with him.

She has been in therapy but says it is only to please her mother.

Thomas also has seen a therapist (because of her).

I try to stay out of their relationship, but our son lives with us, so it’s hard.

I’ve advised him to continue on this course, knowing the pitfalls, or go through the courts for joint custody.

He’s afraid of how Alyssa will react, and that she won’t let him see Trent during the wait to go before a judge. What do you think?

Concerned Grandma

Dear Concerned: Your son should see a lawyer at once to establish parental rights and responsibilities. Otherwise, Alyssa will continue to manipulate him, threatening access to their child.

If Thomas wants to date, he has four nights of privacy when he does not have his son with him. Until he is in a serious long-term relationship, it would be wisest for him to minimize his dates’ contact with his son.

He should lock down his social media and ask anyone he is dating not to post about it on social media.

He should always use birth control, and verify that his partner does the same.

His lawyer will advise him about maintaining his current custody arrangement. He should avoid discussing this with Allyssa until he has a court date.

Dear Amy: My wife and I took our elder parents and our 11-year-old daughter out for some pre-Christmas shopping at our mall. We were going to have lunch and maybe see a movie.

We were all looking forward to this outing, which is something we used to do before the pandemic struck.

Our daughter has been acting up and acting out recently, and, starting from when we arrived, she was grouchy and disrespectful.

We can put up with a little of that, but she was rude to store staff too. She seemed to make it her mission to ruin our day —and she did.

We’re wondering what we should have done differently.

Exhausted Dad

Dear Dad: You should have taken her aside at the first sign of trouble, and asked her to recognize her poor behavior and ... get it together. If she didn’t adjust her attitude within a reasonable time frame, I think one parent should have quietly and calmly taken her home so she could experience a day of media-free reflection.

Explain to her that your goal is for her to show her best self and to treat others well. She doesn’t seem ready to do that, but when she is, you’ll try again.