Too smart for therapy?

Dear Amy: My in-laws are wonderful people. They are now elderly.

Their complaint over the past five years is that I have no patience with them.

This has bled over into my relationship with my wife, who complains that I always have to be the smartest person in the room.

Couples counseling proved unfulfilling and solved nothing, because things are even-keeled in our marriage until her parents become involved.

How do you find a good psychotherapist? I have not had much luck in doing so.

After all, I apparently have a serious problem.

I have come to believe that I am incompatible with the human race.

Incompatible

Dear Incompatible: Reading somewhat into your query, I sense a distinct “smartest person in the room” vibe. (But wait — this is supposed to be my room!)

So first, this: Successful counseling depends to a large degree on you surrendering to the process. This requires humility, along with a willingness to work the program and submit to a sincere desire to change.

It is impossible to do this if you believe (or know) that you’re smarter than your therapist, and if you hold this belief as a core value.

Is it possible to be smarter than your counselor yet still respect that they might know more about counseling people than you do?

If so, then finding a competent counselor shouldn’t be too hard. (Try personal recommendations, your doctor, your local university or the American Psychology Assn.’s locator.apa.org.)

I submit that things in your household might not be fine, and that your marriage could improve, as long as you and your wife are motivated to deal with your stressors and improve your dynamic.

So — do you want to change? Your in-laws will not change in ways that favor your preferences. Instead, they will continue to change in ways that test you.

I wonder if you are smart enough and brave enough to pass this series of tests.

Dear Amy: I’m a woman in my mid-20s and I’ve been with my boyfriend since high school. I fell in love with him in ninth grade and (honestly) pursued him for a couple of years until I let him catch me (ha ha).

I’ve always been large and overweight. My weight is a huge issue for him.

He only showed an interest in dating me after I had lost a considerable amount of weight in high school.

I’ve mainly kept this weight off, but it has been a struggle. I’m down to a size 8.

We’re discussing marriage, but he says he’ll only propose if I lose a bit more.

Several of my female family members are overweight; he says if I wind up looking like them, he wouldn’t want to stay in the relationship.

We are super-compatible in every other way. I guess I need a gut check (ha ha) about my relationship. He’s the only guy I’ve ever loved.

Wondering Woman

Dear Wondering: It is a lifelong struggle to tackle an eating disorder. In this case, I’d say that your guy is the one with the disorder.

His obsession with weight doesn’t leave a lot of room for one’s humanity and vulnerability to emerge. I’d suggest he could use professional help to cope with it.

My advice to you: Lace up your sneakers and run. Think of all the calories you will expend as you jog away from this controlling jerk.