Not up to bailing her out

Dear Amy: My son married a wonderful woman several years ago. They have a 1year-old child.

I genuinely like her side of the family and have a good relationship with her mother, “Marianne.”

My issue is with Marianne’s financial irresponsibility, apparently a generational ingrained pattern.

My son and his wife just purchased their first home. They both make enough to pay the bills — just barely.

Her mother has a good career and earns very good money. But she has little to show for it, with no savings or home ownership.

The issue is her regularly needing and asking for help with her bills or unexpected expenses. If she was less impulsive with her spending, she wouldn’t have to do this.

This puts a burden on my son and his wife and creates friction.

I so badly want to say something when I hear about her circumstances and how they helped with her most recent “issue,” but I don’t. I’d like to tell them to stop doing this, but I don’t. Can I do anything?

Stewing in Silence

Dear Stewing: The only thing you can — and should — do is to clearly state your own boundaries regarding finances and to outline your ability or willingness to help your son and his wife.

The reason for this: If Marianne siphons money from the younger couple, they may end up asking you for an emergency bailout.

Even if this style of money mismanagement and financial irresponsibility isn’t an ingrained generational pattern, it becomes a generational problem when loans or bailouts create financial hardship for the giver, because they will then kick the problem down the road — possibly to you.

State your intentions clearly: “I’m sorry you are in this position. This creates a lot of financial pressure for you. I don’t want to be put in the position to bail you out. I don’t want to be ungenerous or unkind, but I am not willing or able to help finance Marianne’s life. I hope you two can protect your own financial future.”

You might recommend the couple read Cameron Huddleston’s “Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk: How to Have Essential Conversations With Your Parents About Their Finances.”

Dear Amy: I’ve been married for three years. Last year my folks gave me and my husband DNA testing kits for Christmas. My husband participated in the process and has been very interested in the results. I have decided not to. I was adopted as a newborn and was raised in a great family. I have never known anything about my biological family and so far I am fine with that.

I am mixed-race (my husband is white), and he is pushing really hard for me to learn more about my DNA heritage. It is starting to feel uncomfortable.

Your point of view? Confused

Dear Confused: When it comes to your body, your DNA and your family history, you alone own the right to make decisions.

You don’t say why your husband is so keen for you to have this done (is he wondering about the racial identity of children you might have?), but if his pushing for this is pushing you away, you two should take this issue to a professional counselor.

In my view, he is not respecting a fundamental right for you to make decisions about your own body.