Don’t bring germs to visit

Dear Amy: Last year we had my husband’s daughter, her husband and their four children come and stay with us for a couple of weeks around Christmas.

When they arrived, the husband was clearly sick: coughing, sneezing, etc.

Consequently, I became sick (I have severe COPD) and had to miss our annual Christmas Eve celebration.

Here’s my question: Can I ask my daughter-in-law not to come here when anyone in the family is sick? I feel this should be common sense, but apparently it is not.

I don’t want to offend anyone, but when my health is compromised, I feel the added stress.

They are planning this year’s trip, and I am worried. Can you help?

Worried

Dear Worried: When it comes to extended family members, it is vital to clarify your needs and boundaries, because their understanding and cooperation are essential.

It might help if you approached this understanding that parents with many kids often deal with illness as a more or less continuous issue. One or more is either getting sick, currently sick or recovering from their latest round of cold/flu.

But the experience of the pandemic should have sensitized all of us to the important needs of people whose health is compromised (like you), or who would simply like to avoid illness.

Yes, you should tell these family members, “This year, please make sure that no one is showing any signs of illness before your trip. I’ll have masks on hand in case anyone picks up a bug along the way. Your dad and I are both vulnerable. We need to safeguard our health.”

Commonsense measures such as mask wearing (for any ill person and also for you) and diligent handwashing could help to reduce the risk for everyone.

Dear Amy: I’ve been with my girlfriend for about five years. We’ve broken up a few times, for short periods.

We are taking a longer break while we figure out if we want to move forward toward marriage. She says she can’t decide. Honestly, I feel like I can’t decide, either.

When we’re together, I feel like I do most of the emotional “work” in the relationship; she is more focused on her job, family and friends.

My brother recently pulled me aside and said, basically, “Bro, you need to break up and move on.” I was pretty shocked.

As a longtime reader, I’m curious for your thoughts. Unsure

Dear Unsure: Bro, you need to break up and move on.

You and your girlfriend have a pattern of many years’ duration of repeatedly breaking up. This will continue because your relationship is unstable and you are just not that into each other.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with an onagain/off-again relationship, until during an on-again phase you decide to get married. Then you’re taking your unstable entanglement to a whole new level.

Here’s my advice (twice married, now very happily so), boiled way down: It’s not supposed to be so hard!

I suspect if you make this break final and you eventually find yourself in a balanced and loving relationship, you’d marvel at the years and emotional energy you spent on this person.

Buy your brother a drink. Thank him for caring, and for his candor. And follow his excellent advice.