Not keen on reconciling
Dear Amy: Six years ago, my two adult stepdaughters confronted us with “concerns” that their mother and I knew our 17-year-old son smoked marijuana.
We did know about his pot use and clearly explained the steps we were already undertaking in getting him the help he had recently requested.
Our stepdaughters immediately alerted DCFS.
A conviction would have destroyed our professional careers and seriously damaged our family’s future.
Agonizing months later, our case was dismissed, and the charges were characterized as unfounded.
This betrayal led to familial estrangement from the stepdaughters.
Our now 23-year-old son is doing well, and my wife understandably wants her offspring back in our lives. I’ve encouraged her to pursue reconciliation. I do not share this interest. (Independently, nor does our son.)
Please share your reflections on this possible mission impossible.
Dismayed
Dear Dismayed: Alerting DCFS set in motion a very serious set of circumstances for your family. From your narrative, this choice to “hotline” you seems overblown; I wonder what else your stepdaughters might have seen or perceived that doesn’t fit into your narrative, and if your son was taking risks that are genuinely more alarming than a teen smoking pot.
The only way to find out their motivations and to describe the impact on you and your family is to communicate with these women.
People do sometimes issue false reports to DCFS in order to punish family members. I hope that in this case your adult stepdaughters were overreacting and naive about the impact of their choice.
It’s good that you are encouraging your wife to reconcile with her daughters; she should not force you to join her immediately, but I hope you would be open to a gradual thaw. Much of what happens next rests on the behavior of these women; obviously they owe you an apology and a sincere reckoning with the impact of what they set in motion.
Dear Amy: My eldest daughter is 15. She is a sweet girl, has friends and does pretty well in school. Her dad and I love and like her.
She takes basic care of her clothes and her room, but about once a week I go into her room and basically straighten up.
She knows I do this because she sees the result.
She usually leaves her diary peeking out from under her pillow, and sometimes on top of her bed.
Lately I’ve been reading through it. I haven’t seen anything too alarming (or even very interesting), but I’m wondering if what I’m doing is wrong?
My whole family reads your column and we talk about your questions and answers at the dinner table sometimes. I’m curious to know what you think about what I’m doing.
Wondering Mom
Dear Mom: I think that what you’re doing is wrong. And so do you. How do I know? You answer this ethical question yourself when you ask: “I’m wondering if what I’m doing is wrong?”
The only justification for reading her diary is if you have evidence or an obvious concern that she might hurt herself or someone else.
Being curious about your daughter’s inner life is not a justification for prying.