Handling unsought advice

Dear Amy: “Carol” and I are very good friends. However, whenever she asks about my life, instead of sympathizing with my problems and my feelings, she clings to an issue I’ve mentioned and brainstorms solutions — as though I or my family were incompetent at solving our own problems.

She asks me how my life is, and I respond honestly. I haven’t asked her for advice.

I believe that Carol cares deeply for me and my family. She doesn’t want to see us struggle, but I find her unsolicited reactions hurtful.

I know she thinks she’s helping, but her drive to fix everything implies that if I did things her way I wouldn’t have problems.

I can’t share without getting some sort of “stop the pity party and get solving this” response. It is affecting our friendship. I’ve stopped telling her about important issues until they’re resolved.

How do I get her to lay off the condescending solutionseeking sessions?

Am I unreasonable to want to share my feelings with someone and just have them empathize with me? Is it wrong to have some validation, instead of streams of unsolicited advice?

No Messy Feelings Allowed

Dear Feelings: I have a little sticky note on my desk with this sentence on it: “All unsolicited advice is selfserving.” I heard this once on a call-in radio show.

Most people loathe unsolicited advice; hearing instant “solutions” can make a person feel oddly defensive about one’s own problems.

So think about that quote. Carol is self-serving when she offers her instant solutions (“I’m Carol, the problem-solver!”) and self soothing too, tamping down her anxiety about errors.

Plus leaping in like this is annoying, plain and simple!

Pull back the curtain a little and tell her honestly about how this habit affects you: “I know you’re smart. I trust your instincts. But you may not realize that when I open up about problems or issues in my own life, I’m not asking for solutions. I’m just expressing how I feel about things. I’m hoping that you can listen without problemsolving. This might seem frustrating for you, but it helps me the most when I feel heard and understood.”

Or preface a narrative by saying, “I’m not looking for answers here; I just feel the need to vent about some things that are going on.”

Dear Amy: My daughter is a single mother of two children, ages 7 and 5.

She and the kids have lived with me for all but a few months of the eldest’s life. We have a nice little household and get along very well. My daughter is the primary parent and I’ve always respected that. I’m here to help. We talk things through, but she makes ultimate decisions regarding her children.

She has been dating “Brian” for about a year, and they are talking about marriage. But he is pushing back regarding the kids. He believes he should have the power to make parenting decisions and to discipline them.

I disagree with this approach but haven’t weighed in. What do you think?

Gram

Dear Gram: The stepparent role (certainly at the beginning) is to support the primary parent. In my own life as a stepparent, I think of this as “holding hands” with my spouse through challenges. (This sounds like the role you’ve assumed.)

It’s a red flag for Brian to approach the stepparent role with discipline on his mind — and on the table.