Grateful for her empathy

Dear Readers: Periodically, I ask readers for “Updates” to questions published in this space. I am naturally curious about how things have turned out.

This question and answer were published in 2016. The update follows them.

Dear Amy: I live on the West Coast with a 1-monthold baby. My husband travels to the East Coast for work four nights a week. My tight-knit family lives 2,000 miles away; it’s just me here, alone with a newborn. This is an impossible situation.

I hate my husband for sleeping through the night and eating his dinners uninterrupted. I hate him even more when he lets his phone die or simply doesn’t take my once-daily call because the timing is inconvenient.

I go back to work in two months, and I know my career will suffer as I try to single-parent an infant four days a week. My husband will continue with his nicely compartmentalized life.

He should be able to switch to something local in six months or a year. How do I (and our marriage) survive the next six to 12 months?

Sleepless in Seattle

Dear Sleepless: You should set up a time each evening to do a video call, where he and you can talk face to face, and include the baby. Given the time difference, right before he goes to bed might be a good time.

When he is home, you should have times when you leave him alone with the baby. If he comes home and acts (and is treated) like a guest in the household, he will never successfully integrate into family life.

It is vital that he spend alone time with the baby, where he holds and physically cares for her. It is through physical contact and caretaking that those magical moments of connection occur.

He needs to step up, but, unfortunately, you are going to have to show him how.

This is a tough situation, but it is finite. Your husband needs to show you that you are appreciated, valued and emotionally supported.

Dear Amy: Seven years ago, I wrote to you as an exhausted new mom, caring for a newborn alone, while my husband traveled weekly for work. That infant is now a grade-schooler and my marriage is (thankfully) still intact.

I took your advice and scheduled a daily video call for husband, baby and me.

My husband took the baby out every Saturday morning while I slept and relaxed. I needed the silence and space more than I realized. Plus, he made memories with our child.

In my letter, I expected the travel to last six months. It lasted nearly four years. We built a routine around your advice and survived.

Thank you for answering my letter with compassion and empathy. I felt guilty for feeling as angry with him as I did, and your validation of my feelings went a long way.

No Longer Sleepless

Dear No Longer Sleepless:

I believe that most people who write in are looking for a second opinion, supportive statements or perhaps a nudge to proceed in the direction where they were already headed.

Yours is a somewhat rare example where I offered concrete suggestions and an actual prescription, you followed them and — it worked!

I’m delighted, not (only) to make me seem like a smarty-pants but because your family seems to be thriving. I call that a big win. Thank you for the update.