Take a look in the mirror

Dear Amy:

My wife of 40 years is a beautiful woman and always has been.

When younger, she turned heads. To this day (when she wears makeup), she still is quite attractive.

One caveat: Now that she is in her 70s, she has developed many wrinkles.

She frequently asks me if I think she is looking much older. I would never upset her, so I fib and say “no.”

Or she’ll look at a woman who has lots of wrinkles and ask, “Do I have as many wrinkles as she does?” I always say, “Not even close,” although sometimes she does have as many.

Am I right to fib?

I could never see myself saying, “Yes, dear, you have a lot of wrinkles.”

I love her and it truly doesn’t matter to me. Loving Husband

Dear Loving Husband:

You write this as though your wife has aged but you have not. You also seem to believe that the aging process, which is both natural and unavoidable, renders people unattractive.

If you have miraculously not aged in these last 40 years, then your position as the Rip Van Winkle in your family gives you the authority to be the wrinkle arbiter.

However, I’m going to assume that you are an average person and that you are showing your years — along with the rest of us.

When your wife expresses her deep insecurities, you might identify with her, rather than behave in a way that is disingenuous.

Say to her, “Honey, look at us both. Look at our friends and family members. Take a good look. Every sign of our age means that we are alive. Our lumps and bumps are reminders that we have the privilege of living in our bodies. Our wrinkles are the map of our experiences.”

And when she brushes off your lofty musings, definitely deliver a kindly fib.

All of this would be much easier — for both of you — if you truly believed your wife was beautiful (as is!), and could say as much with absolute sincerity.

Dear Amy:

Our daughter recently got engaged to a smart and responsible young man.

We’re thrilled, except for one thing: We have nothing in common with his parents.

Their background is completely different from mine and my husband’s.

They don’t speak English fluently enough, nor do we speak their language fluently enough, to have a conversation to get to know them better.

I’m anticipating several family events over the next year when we’ll have to mix and socialize.

Please help me figure out how to negotiate these events and become a good in-law to my daughter’s future parents-in-law. Really Grasping

Dear Grasping:

The way to be a good in-law is the same way to be a good person: to be patient, welcoming, friendly, and kind.

Ask your future son-inlaw to suggest ways you can get to know his parents better. Invite them to visit your home with the engaged couple so you can get to know them a little better in a small group, with the son on hand to help translate.

If you extend yourself warmly in friendship, they will appreciate it, even if they struggle to communicate.

Make sure to introduce them to other family members and wedding guests.

And bear in mind: Many in-laws don’t get to know one another that well or choose to spend time together.