Time to seek forgiveness

Dear Amy: Forty years ago, my wife was pregnant for one trimester. I’ve never forgiven myself for how I acted in those few months.

The pregnancy was planned, but instead of being pleased, doubts and fears assailed me. Rather than being supportive and optimistic, I was bad-tempered and unsympathetic. I felt trapped and resentful.

Then it all ended with a sad miscarriage and a consuming feeling of guilt over the way I’d acted.

Wanting to atone, I was supportive through five years of infertility treatments before I finally said I couldn’t take anymore. She agreed. We gave up trying.

Was my behavior as unforgivable as I think it was, or do others have similar feelings in such situations?

If I found they did, maybe I could forgive myself.

Guilt-ridden Man

Dear Guilt-ridden: Yes, anxiety, doubts and fears during pregnancy are common — for pregnant women and their partners.

Do I know of men who have been unsupportive and bad-tempered during their partner’s pregnancy and the early days of parenthood? Of course. And pregnant women can exhibit similar behaviors. (I can’t be the only one!)

Pregnancy can be an extremely stressful experience, and people who don’t take the time and effort to decode their internal feelings and seek ways to behave well tend to behave poorly, lashing out instead of coping with their own vulnerability.

A lot of these negative feelings dissipate as the pregnancy advances. The sad series of losses you both experienced robbed you of many things, including any opportunity of redemption through loving parenting.

We all make mistakes. We all behave badly. But the way to move forward is to admit your faults and frailties, and to seek to be forgiven.

Have you admitted and taken responsibility for your behavior, and asked your wife to forgive you? What are you waiting for?

You will only learn if your behavior is “unforgivable” once you are brave enough to ask for forgiveness.

Dear Amy: I’ve been with my girlfriend for five years (we’re both in our mid-20s).

We moved in together about a year ago. Her job is more stressful than mine or maybe she just feels the stress more, but frequently when she comes home after work, she is in a foul mood.

She says she’s “hangry,” and that she feels better after she eats something.

In my opinion, this makes her pretty hard to live with.

The other night it was my turn to make dinner. She didn’t think I was paying enough attention to what I was doing and followed me around, criticizing me. She got a tub of yogurt to eat.

I was doing a crossword on my phone while the rice cooked, but nothing was progressing fast enough. She ended up throwing the yogurt at me. It hit my back and splattered all over me.

I wasn’t hurt, but I’m thinking this is the last straw. She did sincerely apologize. She blamed this outburst on her hunger, but I’m thinking of moving out.

Dear On the Fence:

She could control her “hangry” outbursts with a snack on the way home. Her violence is unacceptable.

Men sometimes discount partner violence if they’re not injured. I hope you won’t make this mistake.

It’s time for you to get out. Make a clean break and don’t look back.