His exclusion confusion

Dear Amy: My very good friend “Carl” recently began dating “Samuel.” Samuel is cold to me and seems threatened by my long-standing close friendship with Carl.

I’ve mentioned this to Carl, who was dismissive.

Recently, Carl had a significant birthday. When I asked if he was doing anything special, he said he was celebrating out of town with his family.

On his birthday, I went to a restaurant (solo) to have dinner at the bar. I’m friends with the bartender.

Imagine my surprise when Carl, Samuel and a few others walked in for Carl’s birthday dinner.

It was an awkward coincidence, and I was very hurt that I hadn’t been invited and had been lied to. Carl apologized for lying, told me Samuel had put together the guest list, and said we obviously needed to chat soon.

They were seated in a private room away from the bar area. I had already ordered and was waiting for my food when Samuel came out of the room and approached me, saying that my presence in the restaurant was making Carl uncomfortable and ruining his birthday dinner.

When I told him that I had already ordered and planned to eat my dinner, Samuel told me I was selfish, making me feel even worse.

I feel like I was put in an untenable situation and am reexamining my friendship with Carl. But was I selfish and was I obligated to leave?

Hurt and Confused

Dear Hurt: When Samuel approached the bar to denigrate you, you might have responded that if being in another room in a public restaurant was so challenging for him and Carl, then perhaps they should leave.

Carl dealt with this social awkwardness by acknowledging it, apologizing and blaming Samuel for excluding you. I suggest you take him at his word and put the friendship on pause.

Carl is obviously allowing his boyfriend to control the close friendship you and he share. If Samuel is isolating Carl from other people (in addition to you), this is an alarming sign that their relationship is not only lopsided but possibly abusive.

Do your best to stay open to Carl; he might need you.

Dear Amy: I’ve been cohabiting with “Sharon” for more than five years. Our romantic relationship has seen its ups and downs, but something recently caused me to think about breaking up with her.

Her work history is pretty spotty, and I’ve been willing to support our household when she was between jobs.

We don’t “keep score,” but there is no question that I have been the primary support, not only paying our rent but also making her car payment when she has been stretched very thin.

Honestly, I’ve felt proud that I’ve been able to help.

Sharon has always expressed her appreciation for this and usually offers to “pay me back.” I always tell her not to worry about it.

Recently, she learned that she had inherited almost $10,000. She has been giddy, talking about all the things she is going to spend the money on. Not one word about compensating me, or about using any of this money to support our household.

This feels like a last straw, and I’m seeking a gut check.

In the Red

Dear In the Red: You two have established a pattern.

If you want more of the same, you should stay in the relationship, but it sounds as if you believe you deserve better — and I agree.